“But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.” (Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami)
Yesterday I almost lost a friend. Someone who counts. For some reasons I just lost “it” yesterday. I started to doubt about his honesty and sincerity to me. I started to find everything obscure in our friendship. Lately I could not find in him a true friend. I did not really know why. It was just a feeling. Maybe his words never sounded right to me. His acts were distant. My process of doubts did a very bad trick to me. I could not think straight anymore. At some point I did analyze too much. There was no flow between our exchanges. It seemed all fake to me. It was a pity because he was so close to me but I did not know him that well. He is a dear friend but a new one. We are still building our trust and trueness together. And he never reveals himself to me in an easy way.
I just lost “it” so badly that I wrote to him yesterday and told him that it was over between us. It was childish and impulsive. But I could not help it.
But the whole day I felt bad. The idea of losing our friendship was unbearable to me. My thoughts were then just thoughts. Unfounded probably. But so strong during the last days. I did not know if I could trust my instincts or not. If I read his words, I did not understand a thing. His words were all grey, in thousands of shade and they could be interpreted in a thousand of ways. I wanted to know if he did care. I never got the answer.
But as it was only me and myself in any kind of situation, all I ever did was just important for me, so I decided to say sorry to him for being suspicious in friendship. Maybe I did a foolish step rejecting him once and then regretting the whole thing. Maybe I was right to trust my instincts not to trust my friend anymore.
I don’t know and don’t have the answer. I am confused. I am thinking too much and it is not helping me. There was no sign, no proof but does a friendship need proof, acts or efforts? Or it just needs to flow and happen. I don’t know.
Should I need words in friendship to prove that our friendship is real? Should I need nice gestures and acts to believe? Should I follow my instincts? I just miss his friendship. It feels wrong to end the friendship based on thoughts and instincts and my inner voice.
I don’t know what to do.
I reached out for him again. But maybe it is too late. Still silence.