Morning scream in music

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A midnight blue, day and night
I’ve been missing you
I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby
Almost makes me crazy
Come and live with me

Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here
I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter, I tried to make it clear
That you just don’t believe that I’m sincere
I’ve been thinking about you, baby

Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here
I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near

I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby
I want you to live with me

This morning I woke up. Definitely calmer than yesterday. Or at least it was the first impression. As soon as my eyes got the first light of the day from a tiny slit of the shutter, an acute pain squeezed my chest but short, quick pain. I projected myself to the future. Something I have never done for months now. Thinking of the future. The thought of the future. Future that meant to be in five week time. When he will be leaving again. His date of departure has not yet been set. But its certainty is undeniable.

I put on this song of Massive Attack. I just discovered it a few days ago. The song penetrated my skin, soaked into my bones. I felt cold. The voice was groaning and moved me deep. Maybe it was circumstantial but each word was cutting me into pieces. “A midnight blue, day and night I’ve been missing you I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby Almost makes me crazy Come and live with me Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near I want you to live with me “.  I could groan in a same hoarse voice mixed with sobs and tears and nobody could distinguish the sadness of the song or that of my soul.

I felt another round of punches. I squeezed tight my pillow, put it over my stomach and wrapped myself, smothered under the blanket. Acute pain, longer, more insistent. He will go away soon. I stayed in the fetus position, my way to protect myself from suffering. For a long while. I could hear the ticking sound of the alarm clock. Like a count-down. Each ticking seemed to count the days left before he is gone again. Each regular ticking sound mixed with the deep regular moaning sound of the song in perfect harmony, sentencing the end of my happiness. For a short while, I had the feeling that I had flirted with a slow death. The feeling of losing him again. Seeing him going away. Again. Seeing him going in another direction, in another part of the world. In this big world we had crossed paths for a second. Just for a second. I heard myself screaming. I screamed the unfairness of life. Of love. Of everything.

The scream lasted with the last note of the song. I disappeared in my large bed. No more sound suddenly. The room fell into silence. But I could still hear my love for him.

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One by one

After a few warm days

Here comes again a cold front

Snow starts to fall

Here I am

Murmuring barely perceptible sounds

Words of love are not supposed to be said

But supposed to be sung

In thousands of language

And whispered

One by one

Like the snow flakes

Brushing against your ears

Words of love

Lightly dancing around you

One by one

Hello

You

I

Love

You

Now

And

Forever

ZH1

The first morning of the year

I woke up in this new morning of the brand new 2013. I spent a very quiet evening. Unlike a lot of my friends, I saw pictures of them on Facebook partying, my New Year’s Eve has always been quiet. I have never found the necessity to celebrate that evening. A nice meal was pretty enough for me with nice company. Few people if possible.

So I woke up this morning, quite fresh thanks to no excessive alcohol drinking last night. I listened to this song “Forget it” of Sixto Rodriguez, a wonderful Mexican American folk singer and songwriter  who was not as well-known as he should be. His talent was immense. The song was a bit sad for a new year’s morning but the voice was so deep that I could not stop listening again and again. I was not sad at all. For those around me who keep on wondering about my state of mind and soul. But somehow this song fits me perfectly this morning.

photo-64When I checked my cellphone, I saw that I received this picture of this new-born baby of one of my friends. I could not help myself but sharing it to you. While the voice of Rodriguez preached for a “Forget it and Thanks for your time”, the picture of this so-cute baby gives hope and love to another year to go. You look at this picture and you just say to yourself: “I am ready for anything”. His parents are blessed.

Then I start searching in my mind for one image of the last year which was still strongly anchored in me. I could think of many but once again, I thought of his eyes. And probably his gaze would always be the strongest memory buried in my mind.photo-2

So these are my very first feelings of the very first morning of the year.

I wish you all a special 2013 with love of wherever/whenever/ and from whomever you can get for yourself !

Late night with no moon

Last night I could not find sleep until 3 in the morning. The snow has melted some days ago and so the rain has taken over ever since. It was raining outside the whole evening. I tried to fall asleep ignoring the repetitive sound of the rain hitting the roof and the windows. My mind wandered. From Thailand to Los Angeles. From one sunny place to another. Where the people whom I care about are right now. My mind wandered back to my place too. People I care about are here too, closer to me. It went on and on like this until very late. I remember in one book Murakami wrote that memories and sensations were usually so uncertain. Memories and sensations to me are so real. As soon as I think of a moment spent with someone who is dear to me, very quickly and spontaneously I can feel with my flesh and blood the prints and sensations of those memories. It always seems like yesterday. Memories and sensations always go hand in hand. I don’t even need to close my eyes to fully remember these moments, the talks, the smiles or the touch. It is always very clear and real to me when I put myself back in memories and pasts.

Yesterday was the same. I could be anywhere. I felt the sand of the beaches. I felt the special light of the day in California. I felt the water of the lakes where I had been last summer. I heard their voices. I heard their laughs. I heard the quiet sound when our days together had come to an end and the days when we were apart.

I could not sleep because all of these memories made me forget the rain outside but kept all my senses awake. Adding to that I let the voice of Audrey Hepburn invading the night, singing “Moon River” to me when I was pretty sure that outside it could be only rain and no moon. Nights like this could bear no moon.

The last laugh

“My shadow is only half of what it should be.”
“Everyone has their shortcomings.” (Kafka on the Shore – Haruki Murakami)

Do I remember your last laugh ?

The sound of it

Always familiar

The rest seems far

Do I want to remember your last laugh ?

The desire of it

Today seems far

I don’t even remember when the last time was my heart beats for you

Bad memory or bad will ?

Today everything seems far

Your last laugh

Certainly beautiful

Crazy, I was crazy for trying…

“I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.” (Sputnik Sweetheart – Haruki Murakami)

These few words of Murakami speak for me. The last few days I hardly think. I am not myself. I feel empty but in a good way. With my head empty. It rarely happened to me.  Empty of thoughts and feelings. Empty even of love. I don’t feel anything special at all. Until yesterday night, actually this morning at four in the morning, I could not sleep and went through his blog. One song particularly filled myself with nostalgia, some kind of sadness. Emptiness was replaced with a sensation of loss. His blog was the same as usual, some beautiful songs. Lately I did not check his blog anymore. I think somehow we had lost each other on the way to find building our relationship or friendship. I think somehow I had dropped all efforts to make it work for him and me. But this song “Crazy” sung by Patsy Cline posted on his blog had touched me deeply. It was indeed a painful feeling to lose a friend. Or not to lose a friend but not to be able to find a decent way to connect with him anymore. Some call it life. Some call it incompatibility of moods or personality, or whatever words I try to find to define what was going on between us, it was just superfluous and meaningless. And the distance between us seemed not only distance but also coldness and indifference. Some people are just not made for me and I just need to accept that and let go.

Here is the song that makes me think about our friendship. This friend who is no longer close to me.

“Crazy, I was crazy for trying…”

Crazy, I don’t miss him anymore. These words once written here put me back into emptiness. This friendship, like a flake of snow, so fragile, has very quickly disappeared, hardly one ray of sun had dared to caress it.

The voice of Patsy Cline resonates in my head. But that is all I had kept from this friendship.

Keep it simple

We got to get back to something simple just to save yourselves
Well got to get back to something simple just to save yourselves
Well you got to keep it simple, keep it simple just to – and that’s that

Whoa you got to keep it simple nowadays and that’s just that
Whoa you got to keep it simple nowadays and that’s just the way it is
And you got to keep it simple these days ‘cos that’s the way it is

Well you got to keep it, keep it simple and that’s that

Keep it simple

You don’t know when you are coming home

Let’s keep it simple like this song

I don’t know what is next

Let’s keep it simple

Let this love flows

Let this love grows

In spite of all

I don’t know what to do next

I guess I will wait for you

Til you come home or not

Let’s keep it simple

Let’s not change anything

Let’s not change it to a fling

Because this love is my thing

Friday evening

It is all dark outside

From the window of my office

I can see the street lights

Weak glimmer for a cold evening

I can hardly guess the shape of my friend – the tree right outside

I wonder where you could be

In five minutes

I will leave this place

Turn off the light

Vanish in the night

I think I have lost you

Just like the night

Will soon lose me

How I understand songs

Today I am sick and stay in bed. Nothing serious. A cold with a strong headache and a bad sore throat.

I accidentally discovered Koos du Plessis, a South African songwriter and singer and really like his songs. There is something with me about songs in a language I could not understand. When we don’t understand the lyrics, we just listen to the sound of each word, we just need to let each note and melody get into us. With no resistance. We can imagine whatever comes to us with the melody. It could be a love song, a song about politics, a song about home and kids. I like the idea that I don’t understand the lyrics. It is like when we meet someone who does not speak our language, we will then have to communicate with this person in a different way, we will have to invent another kind of language, we will observe more. The eyes, the body attitude, anything else would be more important than the language itself and the words. I feel the same with a song I first don’t understand.

I listened to this song three times on the row. It became so familiar that at some point, I was sure I would get the meaning of the song somehow. After the third time, I checked the lyrics.

Live in an endless night, I cried: “Where are you?”
Move your dark curtain open, star, fire me.

I did the same thing with HIM. I don’t always understand him. But I don’t ask questions. I just want to connect with him through a different way. Not always in words. But something we can both feel in the air, between the clouds, in spite of the geographical distance between us. I just want him to become so familiar to me like this song after a while.

The sweetest embrace

Our time is done my love

We’ve laid it all to waste
One thousand moonlit kisses
can’t sweeten this bitter taste
My desire for you is endless
and I’ll love you ’till we fall
I just don’t want you no more
and that’s the sweetest embrace of allTo think we can find happiness
hidden in a kiss
Ah, to think we can find happiness
that’s the greatest mistake there is
There is nothing left to cling to babe
There is nothing left to soil
I just don’t want you no more
and that’s the sweetest embrace of all

Ooohhh where did it begin
When all we did was lose
There’s nothin’ left to win

So lay your weapons down
they serve no purpose in your hands
And if you wanna hold me
then go ahead and hold me
I won’t upset your plans
If it’s revenge you want
then take it babe
Or you can walk right out the door
I just don’t care anymore
And that’s the sweetest embrace of all

Ooohhh where did it begin
When all we did was lose
There’s nothin’ left to win

It’s over babe
And it really is a shame
We are losers you and me babe
In a rigged and crooked game
My desire for you is endless
And I love you most of all
I just don’t want you no more
and that’s the sweetest embrace of all