The back pain gets worse. I acknowledge the pain and don’t want to think about it anymore. I still cannot sit. So again this morning I went for a long walk. I walked uphill and just a few minutes away from my home, all these views and landscapes offered themselves to me. I would never walk that much if I did not have that back pain. So finally in every bad thing there are always some good things coming up.
The only thing with pain is it absorbs somehow all my energy. I could not think of him today. I took me long to get out of bed without feeling like torn apart inside of my back, like each nerve was broken one by one. I remembered having dreamt of him. Images were blurred. No continued story in the story. He was skinny in the dream. It was brief. When I was awake, I did not know if the pain came from the dream or from the back. But after a second, I knew that it was from my back. I had ordered myself the end of suffering a while ago. But the dream with him still had its effect. I was impervious to emotional pain but I am not indifferent to memories.
During the walk, for a moment I stopped in front of this pond, trying to think of him. Not quite I could succeed. The back pain was stronger.
On the way back, I took the picture of this red flower posed on someone’s fence. It was for him. I like the bright red color. Our memories are vivid. But probably in a softer color. Maybe in an old rose pink, the one of a wilted flower.
My two last posts were about motorcycle. What an irony ! My cousin of 21 years-old just got a very bad motorcycle accident. Right arm and hand paralyzed. The news came to me tonight from a mail from my uncle. When the doctor announced to him the bad news, my cousin closed his eyes and did not say a word for a while. Then he said: “No more guitar playing”.
Last week he put on Facebook his status: “yeah, I got a summer job with a desk, a computer and a view on the mountain”. He was proud. Friends and family thumbed up “Like”.
I don’t know what to write tonight. Life is short and in less than a few minutes, your destiny and life could change. Things cannot be rewind.
My summer seems sad, sounds sad. The news hit me when I said good bye to the mother of my lost love. We had dinner together. She was so nice to me. We have a beautiful connection. I walked back home through the Old Town, the cathedral magnificent and proud, illuminated. I was already sad, even before I received the news.
I don’t know what to write so I texted to my cousin: “don’t give up, don’t give up and don’t give up”.
I don’t cry when I am sad. I write instead.
I don’t usually pray. But tonight I pray for my cousin. I hope he won’t give up. I hope you join me to pray for him too.
I hope summer ends quickly so that bad news won’t come anymore.