Just remember the desire

The train you take that night from Milan to home, even if outside is dark and you cannot distinguish a thing but only your own shadow reflected on the window, nothing is more poetic than the thought of a new-born romantic feeling experienced for someone. Perhaps the most romantic person that Sunday evening is you as what nourishes that melancholic yet beautiful feeling is your courage facing the uncertainty. What is the most admirable is that you do not have any fear. You are not scared of getting burned. You embrace the day spent together with him, with joy and grace and no fear. No plan. All you have is desire. Your desire. This irrational “thing” that people usually want to figure out very quickly as soon as they “feel” something for someone.

Your desire for him is the only constant variable since the day you first met him. The desire that functions like a huge machine, that works for itself, that feeds and gives energy to the rest.

You assume your desire. You never need to justify your desire or to kill it with moral or social boundaries. You do not want to be sad. To kill your desire is to be sad. The kind of sadness that usually impedes people to live fully their emotions.

You just want to live your desire for him. During this long train trip, you see your shadow on the window but also your desire. Its outlines are sharp. You see the day spent with him like a movie, with scenes after scenes of desires. A movie in which there are not necessarily any images of him and you. Only the vivid memory, and the perfume of the desire transformed when possible in kisses and sensual touches. The kisses have the perfume of what you both love most, the white truffle.

You live your desire in Milan endlessly. That is an unique experience. Something you will always remember. What should come after does not matter. How you both go back to your lives and how you both live apart will not matter. Just remember the desire.

Mood after Italy

You let him come to Italy. Live dangerously, you call it. Live cautiously is not to let him come. Majestic him. Whom you know you cannot resist.
The experience was vertiginous. When you live the ups you have to be ready for the downs. Who wants rain must expect the muds. You were ready. Or at least you think you are ready. Ready for the downs, the moment you kiss goodbye at the station. When you only want romance, that is what you get. The slow and irregular heartbeats when he walks away. You take the last train. Outside the night is falling. The rain drops stick on the window and slowly disapear, just like the memories of your day spent with him.
The next day you get these symptoms of those who are in love. Are you too? The question is irrelevant. You should have things under control. Vulnerability is not part of your vocabulary.
The next day the symptoms are acute. You think of him the moment you open your eyes in the morning. His smile. His strong arms. His blue eyes when he looks at you. You hardly eat. You live out of memories. Your heart feels weak. Your brain functions half of its capacity.
You embrace the symptoms. If truly you are in love, then it is a gift. But you doubt the symptoms will last. You hope somehow they will last. For once, you let your guard down.
You think love is a decision. Rationality. There is nothing more powerful than your brain. How long are you going to let him stay in your heart. Some will say that it is not love if you can control.
The second day you still feel dizzy but the memories of his smiling eyes fade away already a little bit. But the feeling of him is still very present. Now you are tipsy when you think of him. And it is nothing in comparison to the moment you went to the bar to meet him in Italy, that moment you feel like you have swallowed a bottle of wine all by yourself.
You dont know how to fall in love and how to be with someone. You only feel. Your five senses tell you what love is. Love is science fiction. Love is alien for you. Yet the symptoms of love are earthy for you. Even in the landing you can feel them.

Just feel it right and it’s gonna be alright…

I started to watch The Mentalist again. The new season is back. Usually The Mentalist TV show is just something entertaining for me, I watch it after a long day of work, trying to relax, watching something not very complicated. I like the characters though the intrigues and stories are always quite simple. Yesterday was the first time that an episode touched me more particularly. Nothing fancy or really deep but I was in the mood for that after having posted a piece on the blog.

In the 7th season, for those who do not know, the two principal characters were finally together. Patrick Jane is IN LOVE. After seven years of watching this show, finally the male character is in love. It is very rare that on-screen two actors could have such a chemistry as Patrick Jane and Teresa Lisbon. More than a complicity, either they are very good actors or they are really in love off-screen. I was particularly touched by the way she looks at him. Strange, it gives me goosebumps each time.

In one episode, her ex (the one she left because of Jane) asked Jane something like: “Do you have a plan for her? I gave her a life, do you have something to offer her?”. Later on Jane told Lisbon about that, she asked him: “Yes, and do you have a plan for us” – He answered: “No. I think we know what feels right and I think that that should be our guide”

I have to admit, I have been girly and over-romantic ever since this sentence was pronounced. It seems simple but so right. Simply said and here I am, writing something about it.

I wish any woman could hear this from the man she loves.

What feels right should always be our guide.

Romance

One recurrent question comes up each time in conversations I have with friends, they always ask me: “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”. In terms of relationships or love.

For the last three years, I have always answered: “I don’t know what I want.”

It never seems important to me what I want. How can I know? Things change, I change, people change. The idea of having to define and to dig into myself to know what I want has always slipped through my mind.

But not earlier than tonight, suddenly I have an answer to that. A very simple one. I want ROMANCE. But when I checked the dictionary and Wikipedia, I was not quite satisfied with the usual definition: “Romance is the expressive and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person associated with love.”

Romance for me is more related to “romantic” gestures and attentions. Romance for me is to develop a deep connection with someone whom you can trust, it could be ¬†an emotional attraction associated with love, or sexual desires, or a true affection. It is not important to fall in love with the person. What is important is the romantic exchange between this person and me but within trueness and honesty. It can be a platonic romantic affection or an ardent romantic love affair, or a strong friendship. The most important ingredients are respect and trust. And no games playing. Ever.

Romance between me and the other person would be like living in a sweet dream or in a bubble soap, colorful, beautiful and light, yet fragile if not handled with care. Untouchable by meanness, hypocrisy or deception. Romance to me is as simple as saying “I miss you” without being scared of the reaction of the other person. As simple as being spontaneous when I want to talk to the person without being judged. As easy as holding someone’s hands whenever you want to, and knowing that he will always like it, no matter what.

I am still looking for this person, the one who can bear with me this concept of “romance”. Who can understand that romance has little to do with “being in couple” or “being in a relationship”, it is about giving selflessly, being romantic, gentle to the other person, caring without demanding. As long as it lasts, making it last. In my romance, it would never be fear. Love is a possibility, is a plus-value but not a sine qua non condition. In my definition of romance, everyone would be free to love, to give and to receive and act truly and completely connectedly to himself first.

Is this ever possible ? Or am I living in a world of fantasy and unrealistic thoughts ? Could my idea of romance exist in our world ?

I want beauty, any kind of beauty, in a word, in a song, in a smile.

I want sweetness, in a word, in a song, in a smile.

I want trueness, in a word, in a song, in a smile.

In an endless connection.

That is my idea of romance and that is the closest to the idea of what I want.