I am back and not cured from love

I am back and not cured from love.

Worse than ever. No, better than ever. Love is all over me. In my head. In my heart.

Things are simple but I did not always get it.

When a story is not finished, it is simply not finished. You don’t fight love. You cannot fight love. It’s something you just feel and have to accept.

You don’t “unlove” when you decide to “unlove”. There is no cure for love.

I wanted to close the blog. I wanted not to talk about love anymore. I wanted to let him go. There is nothing to do. I just can’t.

Everything will always be about him until it will naturally stops. How could I not understand it earlier? I spent the last two weeks, trying to be rational. The more I tried, the more I suffered. It was only when I surrendered my love that I was fine again.

He understood this before me. He could not let me go. We accepted our curse. Maybe one day. Maybe never. I look at the world. It is way better with him in my mind.

My only way to live and to find peace is to love him. Moving on is not a solution. Maybe one day this love will die. For now it is lively, it makes me breathe. I just have to accept it.

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The end of the blog

Today I will say goodbye to you. For a while. I hope I could be back for this blog. But I am not sure when and if I could ever come back.

I have been putting myself in this blog. Creating a world parellel to mine. The real one. Stories written were inspired by real and fictional characters, sometimes the posts were more real, sometimes the posts were more from my imagination.

The world of the blog, I have invented it with poetry, songs, and sounds from my heart. I have started the blog to canalize all my feelings for love. I have started the blog to pay tribute to love and the love stories I had lived or imagined. In the past. In the present.

I have loved a man since the day one of the blog. Parallel with the blog, my love and myself have grown up. Day after day. In his presence. In his absence. In our friendship. In something unique.

Today we decided to say goodbye. How many times in the past when I imagined our last day together I have always imagined myself in pain and sadness. Today is our last day together as a friend, as lovers. And I have felt nothing such as pain. I am more than ready.

This blog has helped me elevate this love to a sublime state and state of mind. I have beautified him and my love for him. I have beautified them every single day in the blog. Until today when I realized that I had done all the possible for this imaginary world between him and me and the blog. The outside world between him and me is not beautiful enough for me to keep on being inspired.

I could not continue as I don’t see myself writing about love in sadness, in bitterness. I could not continue as my hero is not anymore a hero to my eyes. Our story has become common. Drown in fear and insignificant feelings and exchanges. I am not inspired anymore. I feel only emptiness. Not pain.

I let the love go. I let everything go. The physical pain has not shown up yet. I am prepared. Ready. This blog has helped me in everything and I thank you all for reading me the whole year long.

I will be back the day I am cured. But ain’t there any cure for love?

Once again thank you for all the support. It was an exquisite world being in here with you. The blog has helped me more than anything else.

How could she leave him?

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“It’s a terrible story. We worked so hard, so hard, building our world one brick at a time. And when it fell apart, it happened just like that. Everything was gone before you knew it.” (Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami)

She woke up this morning at 4am. Staying in bed she stared at the ceiling and started to think. There are a thousand of reasons that make people leave their partners, the loved ones. The majority of them is linked to the loved one’s personality, to how they had disappointed the other one, to what extent they had hurt the other one. Yes, most of the reasons derive from the actions, the words of the loved ones.  Most of the times that is precisely the trigger. The actions, the words, the personality.

This morning she woke up and knew that she was going to leave him. She had never doubted about his personality. She had loved him all these years for that personality. She loved his essence, his philosophy of life. She loved everything he had in him. He had disappointed her more than once. He had hurt her more than once. She accepted him as he is. She knew from the beginning that she had been doomed to love him unconditionally. Nothing that came from him, even the ugliest thing or habit of him, nothing could ever make her fall out of love. It was that kind of certainty of love she had experienced right from the beginning of the story with him.

But today she will leave him. How come? How could she leave him? Has she become insane after one night ? Has she lost her mind? She wants to be generous in love. She wants to love him more. She wants to be free to love him the way she wants. She wants to love him without strategy, without calculation. And she realizes that if she stays, for her love to survive she needs to be misely, to be less generous, to be common. To calculate. To resist. And she really hates it. She will need to jeopardize her whole personality to be with him. She will have to be someone else, someone whom she disregards; someone she will despise.

She had never realized that in spite of his amazing personality in everything in life, he had no capacity of receiving love. In everything else, he was exceptional. In receiving love, he was common and weak. He did not know how to prosper in love. He did not evolve in love. He was not receptive to beautiful gestures and feelings. Accepting him was fine for her. Staying with him and witnessing his insensitivity to love would perish her sooner or later. His space for love was narrow, incongruous. Her love for him was trapped in this narrowness. She felt imprisoned. Her love could not escape. Sooner or later it would become tasteless and common if she would not take care of it. Urgently.

She got out of her bed. She was not different from other people. Finally the reason that made her leave would be the same as that of anyone else. There was something from him. Indeed, this perfect personality. Her soul mate. He seemed to have a defect too. He did not know how to receive her love. Call it clumsiness, immaturity, selfishness, whatever. The fact remains that she could not stay to see their relationship turn into something common. She would never allow such deterioration.

The love will last forever. She knew it. And so do the perfection of this love. Call it dreamer, utopia, unrealistic, immaturity, whatever. That is just how she loves. The only way she knows.

What would make me happy a day like this ?

What would make me happy a day like today?

It is so dark outside and the snow is falling again. This winter is terrifying. I had a bad lunch that hurt my stomach for hours. I had a lesson of harpsichord, my fingers were stiff. The piece was all about the beginning of the romantic era and I could not play it with stormy feelings. My teacher told me that I was cold today. Truth is I was a bit lack of sleep, lack of vitamines, lack of sun. Monday is always tough. And a German class is waiting for me this evening. Nothing really fancy today, really.

What would make me happy a day like today ?

I would love to run on the beach, feeling sand in between my toes. I would love to feel sun on my face. I would love to have a good vietnamese soup prepared by my grandmother. I would love to sing tonight in a karaoke bar, maybe just to spend my energy, move my voice. I don’t know.

What would make me happy right now?

I would love to be hold in his arms and hear his laugh, listen to his music, watch Youtube endlessly with him and laugh on silly things.

I want sun, I want beach, I want vietnamese food but most of all I want him. Nothing has much changed since the last 24 hours.

He is the sun, he is the beach, he is the vietnamese food, he is the song I want to sing. He is the piece of Bach I want to play. He is the stormy feeling I want to express. He is all the Mondays I will like if he were here.

I am the worst strategist in dating

Good morning my friends, followers and bloggers,

I am with Norah Jones “I’ve got to see you again” and my first coffee. I am happy to say “good morning” to you. I have something to share.

I am the worst strategist in dating. But oh hell the best “LOVER” – lover as the one who knows how to love. How to love, yes, just that. I am happy, so happy that I have to share with you this morning.

HE is back. He is everything. He is abstract, he is concrete. He is everything I cannot have. He is everything of my dream. He is everything that I don’t want. He is everything that I don’t need. He is the universe, inside my head, inside my heart. Well, you get it. HE IS EVERYTHING. And yes, you get it too. HE IS BACK.

He announced to me that he is here. Let’s forget my sleepless nights since that moment. The idea he is in the same city after all that time. Science fiction for me. Walking on the moon is easier to imagine. Becoming President of the United States is easier to imagine. I don’t even know how I’d survived the last three days.

He is here. How do I do? For months I have heard: “He is so sure about you. He is so sure that you have been waiting. He is so sure that you love him.”. Then now I hear: “If you ask him to see you, he will answer to what you suggest and never need to suggest anything.”. To that, here are my answers. “I love him and if he knows about that and is still there, that means that is ok for both of us”. “Why should I play hard to get? He already GOT me, mind and soul, heart and body”. “I have no game to play, nothing to hide.”

However I just wonder how I could ask him to see me, after all these months absent from home. I guess he is pretty busy. I always know that the “US” is fun, trust, confidence and FRIENDSHIP above all, above love. I feel ME when I am with him. And I don’t see myself being in silence because he said he is home and I will stay in silence, waiting for him to suggest a meeting. And all of this considering I will be away for work the whole month of March.

I wanted to say something in the spirit of the “US”, cool fun and trust. I wanted to welcome him home with my style. I wanted him to know that I care, that I am happy he is home. My last email to him before he landed was all about my work and advices I needed from him, with an ending “with kind regards” as a joke (because mostly I spent time at work writing formal letters to the government and agencies). When he announced to me he was back home, he asked me about the “kind regards” greetings which, he thought, were a bit formal.

As we used to work in the past on questionnaires, surveys, we have joked quite a lot about how we designed and formulated questions. Yesterday I decided to welcome him home with a survey.

1) do you have jet lag? yes – no

2) are you tanned? yes- no

3) are you still handsome ? yes – no

4) you said you are too cold because it’s freezing outside, what would you do to get warmer?

– i would put on warmer clothes

– i would put the heating on maximum level

– i would come to see L. (L = me) to get warmth in her arms

– i would do nothing to change the situation

5) you have learned that L. will be away for 3 weeks, what would you do?

– i would see her this weekend if i am not too busy

– i would see her next week, easy easy !

– i would see her in april, easy easy !

– i would do nothing

– i have headache already !

That was it, the questionnaire, then I ended it with: “Welcome back mi amor !!! (is this still too formal for you ???)

It was me, the questionnaire was me….This is my style…I cannot hide, I don’t want to hide my feelings, I have nothing to hide.

He answered me right away with smileys and smileys and asked for the dates of my trips.

I informed him all the dates, when I am busy and when I am available, stating that my priority is still him.

He asked me to see him tomorrow.

That was the story of me being the worst strategist in dating, in love.

I only know how to be true, to be sincere. When I have something to say, I say it. I don’t try to make myself unavailable, I don’t hide my schedule to be interesting. I am just ME in front of HIM, in spite of all the “you are not a challenge for him, and it’s so easy.”

Who cares anyway if I am not a challenge to the man I love. Because I am not. Why do I need to be a difficult woman to him.

I think I just want to be sincere and generous when I love.

But ok, it makes me the worst strategist in dating. I don’t know how to wait. I don’t know how to play games. I am no good in giving advices in dating, because I am really bad with strategies.

Well, now I have to leave you here. Tomorrow I still need to be beautiful 😉

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I had only seen the green

Yesterday your parents told me that when you are sad or annoyed, your eyes change colors. They become slightly darker. Slightly grey.

As far as I can remember – I was very often lost in your green eyes.

As far as I can remember – when you looked at the sky with your deep green eyes, the sky turned into the same green, in a lighter shade, let me wondering if our world suddenly had no more seasons but only the ones you have decided for the world.

As far as I can remember – I had never seen once any shade of grey in your eyes when we were together. How many times I had asked you: “What are one’s feelings having the eyes with such a limpid mesmerizing color?”. The question was always for the green and never for the grey.

Now that your parents told me this detail.

I am just happy. This simply means that you had never been sad or annoyed when I was around.

The world from inside

IMG_4396Sometimes I think the most difficult thing to be in the world is the interaction with others. I never feel the need to be understood by the people around me. But I am always a bit surprised when close friends don’t understand me or require from me explanations and justifications of my lifestyle.

I am an addicted traveler and a solitary person. I love being with friends. I like talking to friends. I like to meet new people, share new things and make new friends. But it is never a necessity. It is something natural in the process of living. I don’t isolate myself. But I don’t have any problems to spend time alone. I like to do things by myself. I don’t feel the need to fill my time with activities and meetings. I don’t need to be busy or to feel busy.

Yesterday I got two e-mails from my two close girlfriends, which came almost simultaneously. One started to ask why on earth I made a trip to Mexico alone last Christmas. She thinks that I am weird and totally egocentric with no capacity to adapt myself to others so I have to spend time alone, because I am selfish. The other girlfriend said she doubted I could go on living a life like this and that my well-being was not something real and probably at the age of 60 I would need someone even if it will be just to fix a new bulb in a lamp.

Sincerely, I was shocked. Because they had no clue about what they talked and especially about how they think of me, being that close to me after so many years. I certainly will never need a man to fix my lamp. There is something more about being with someone and this cannot be because you don’t want to be alone. I will never say that books and music and movie could ever replace a man. No material things would ever replace a human being and the feeling of love. I would be a fool to deny it. But the pleasure procured by new landscapes, books and music and new encounters around the world also worth a great deal. There is no magical formula. There should be a certain pleasure to have a man everyday at my place, to cook together, to do everything together. But truth is any pleasure comes from inside you. The landscapes could be stunning, the books exciting, the music perfect, the man the real hero, if you are not happy or not in peace, if you need things from outside to fill you up, it will not work. If you expect things from outside to make you complete, it will not work. And that, I don’t think my two girlfriends could understand it or my reasoning. But I will not explain or justify. There is no need.

Loneliness will never be felt if you are in peace. Loneliness is not something you ask someone to remove it for you.

Loneliness is not a defect.

I don’t extract myself from the world. I just live in it with a very conscious Being which is me. Call it whatever, my loneliness has a name: PEACE. Things surrounding me, a man, love, the idea of a man, the idea of love, friends, traveling, books, music, movies, are luxury and blessings. Which I greatly appreciate but should never be a necessity.

I am a flawed human being

IMG_4363I am a flawed human being. Flawed more than one can imagine. But today I am proud. I just realize something so great. How come such a flawed human being as myself could realize how cool you are. How come such a flawed human being could love someone so perfectly, so cleverly. How come such a flawed human being as myself could know how to put the exact amount of love to love you. This love is so damn right. So damn just. So damn correct. I am not that bad and flawed, right?

Today I walk down the street. I have my head up to the sky. I laugh to the clouds. I smile to everyone. But I look arrogant. And it does not matter. I am arrogant and proud.

I am a flawed human being. With a perfect love. My heart is pounding.

I bury doubts, questions. I give back the air, the oxygen, I have enough of everything to breathe.

I defy loneliness.

I can nourish myself out of this perfect love for you. That love which replaces air, sky, stars, rain, sun.

I am a flawed human being who survives out of everything. Thanks to you.

Why always him?

Why always him?

Because I anticipate his thoughts

I anticipate his actions

I anticipate his boredom

I anticipate his enthusiasm

I anticipate his feelings

I anticipate his pain

I see him in the dark

I hear him in silence

I read him without words

Why always him?

Because it is easy

Even with no hints

Because he is me

From the very beginning

Because he gives the word “soulmate”

The deepest sense ever.