Moments you are not in my mind
I tell the sun
And all the beauty of this place
To be there for you
They are yours forever
While I am gone
“He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced–or seemed to face–the whole eternal world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.” (The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald)
It is difficult not to like the new “The Great Gatsby” movie, simply because the text written by Fitzgerald was so beautiful. I read the book at high-school. I remember I did not understand the whole meaning of it. I was seventeen. I remember having an oral exam on the book and had to talk about Daisy. Last night when I saw the movie I realized that by the time I did not even realize that Gatsby was that much in love with Daisy. I did not remember at all the pain and love of Gatsby in the 1974 movie with Redford and Farrow. But this time it hit me so strong. Maybe because I am in love and I can now fully understand the kind of love and obsession Gatsby had for Daisy. For a moment I felt a bit uncomfortable during the movie. I was irritated because I was with a friend and when the movie ended I just wanted to be by myself and stay in silence but he kept asking me my opinions about the movie. I found the movie beautiful because each word written by Fitzgerald made sense to me. More by now than when I was seventeen. I finally understood Gatsby and the book. I felt pain because Gatsby’s dream pursuit was so absolute and impossible. It was unbearable to see such unique belief in love, in dreams, in conquests. I was touched and that was probably why I liked this new version of The Great Gatsby. I found it explicit, exuberant and extremely modern. Showing love in that way is attractive to me. But at night I had an very agitated sleep.
This morning I decided to go for a walk in the park to get for my mind some fresh air. The movie of yesterday evening still got into me. I walked through the park and took only pictures of the flowers. It was raining and cold for the month of May. But the colors of the flowers were absolutely perfect. In spite of the grey sky the flowers still looked magical. It was strange. My eyes and my body were not in harmony because I got cold after a while but my eyes were completely satisfied with what I saw. It went on like that, this strange feeling during the whole time I was walking through the park. It made me think of my love for him. It is not always in harmony with what I think, with my brain but it does not matter. Sometimes my body feels pain of missing him, but my heart is so blessed that it does not matter. It was like the cold my body felt in the park. The imperfection of the moment. Yet the eyes were still captivated by the beauty of the flowers. My love for him is like the flowers in the park under the cold rain. A perfection remains in harmony with the imperfection of the situation.
Then my mind wandered back to the movie. I felt like Gatsby. Full of hopes and dreams and illusions. Innocence. Purity. Was it because of the movie? Or the book? Or the nature? Or the flowers? Or the love for him ? Or simply a bit of all of it together? I did not know the answer, yet it felt good that way.
Powerful yet silken sun
I have found the right words
I have located the exact feelings
I have shaped the exact form
Sun like this
Let me know exactly what I need to know
I love you
Until the last ray of sun
Disappears by the end of the day
I still have a simple certainty
Things between us will always end in laughs anyway
Trust the sun
To dry out the tears
If tears ever come one day
I have found the right words today
I love you
And I trust the sun
I am officially depressed.
What is left to do is to collect all the snow flakes, keep them preciously in a box in a perfect temperature so they cannot melt and give them to you in summer.
What is left to do is to count my footsteps on the snow and be sure that it would be less than a billion of them until I reach you.
What is left to do is to close my eyes and be sure that your shadow will always dazzle in the dark.
What is left to do is to wallow on the snow and be sure that only the heat of my heart can save me from the cold.
What is left to do is to eviscerate myself before the feeling of missing you would empty me anyway.
I am officially depressed or I love you into depression.
How can I know ?
(Painting of Edvard Munch “The Day After” , National Museum of Oslo)
I take a walk
I distance myself
I protect myself
Not from you
But from me
Winter in me prolongs
Spring in me slows to come
Summer in me is mystery
Your smile cannot get the snow to melt
I look at you and ask myself:
“Do you love him that much?”
I guess the answer is still yes
But why then winter never ends
Do I love you that much?
To not fear winter
To live in no season
In timeless longings
Will you be there to mend
The fragile non-existing spring of my heart?
Today is my birthday
A bit of sun
A bit of clouds
A bit of me
A lot of me
All of me
PS: In this picture, I had no food for the ducks so when I tried to get closer to them, they just walked away from me. I hope this is not the way I will have to chase for happiness in real life. Exchanging things for happiness ? No – I hope not…;-)
In the past – In the last year I said that loving you is self-redemption. You had saved me. Somehow. In the lost path of mine scattered with insignificant feelings. Then you came. Offering me a new world. Renewing my soul.
This morning I woke up with the most awkward, terrifying thought. Do I still need to love you now that I am self-redeemed, now that I am saved?
Not that I am an ungrateful person. Not that you had saved me then we are almost done. Loving you the last past year had proved to me how capable I could love, how intense I could become when I fell in love.
It made sense to me but then it’s fading. The love and you. So airy. So light. So distant. Suddenly that thought: And if I don’t love you anymore?
Could it be gone the love? Or it is just temporary? Let me think. Usually I don’t think when it comes to love you. Now I have to think to feel. Usually I just feel.
What happened to me ? Is it the cold ? Is it the long winter? Is it because of all the trips far away from home? Is it because I feel so free?
Is it possible that I don’t love you anymore ? Just like that. The self-redemption stays with me forever. Is the love gone ?
Let me think. Let me think. Let me think.
I still want to love you. I just don’t feel it. Today. This damn morning of winter.