He is back

He is back.

He is back.

He is back. How come he is your inspiration and now this is all you can write? He is back in your city. The moment he writes to you from the airport to tell you that he is back, you lose all the capacities of normal functioning. This week you forget three umbrellas in the train. Yesterday you went to work without your wallet, you had to go back home to get it. But you still feel like it is normal to be this way. You are in the clouds. Your rational mind still denies that you have feelings. Having feelings ? You laugh out loud. If this is just having feelings for someone, then being in love would be what? How many umbrellas will you forget in the train if you were in love? How many times you would have to go back home because you would forget again and again your wallet?

He is back. First thing he writes to you. He tells you he is in a festive mood. He says that Milan was great but too short. He calls you a romantic nerd. He reads your blog. He says you make him happy. You stop the whatsapp exchanges first as your small heart is too weak for such emotions.

He is back. The idea that he is a few miles away is totally extravagant, crazy, insane, exciting, romantic, poetic, inhuman. How come just knowing that he is back and not too far from you could procure such emotions and joy. Who knows the answer?

He is back. And it is not a dream you have in the middle of the night.

24 hours in Milan or the G. experience – Part three: the dinner

Yesterday evening you accepted a dinner date. Last Saturday you were in Milan with him. At the exact same time, a week ago, you were falling in love with him. How come you accepted this dinner date.

You have no choice. Either you stop living and keep on waiting for him or you keep on loving him, without waiting and keep on living your life. The long-distance between you and him. The Covid situation with all borders locked down one week after another. His work. Your work. His free-spirit. Your free-spirit.

The date was not bad. It was just meaningless for you. There was nothing to compare to last Saturday when you were with him in Milan. He was so happy you picked the right Osteria in the Old Town, small, authentic. You sat outside. The weather was still perfect for being outside. He ordered plenty of food. He was like a kid. He held your hands during the whole dinner. He ate with one hand so he could hold your hand with the other. He asked you about your childhood, told you about his. He asked you about your dreams, your goals. He told you about his dreams, if he still had some. He said he felt lonely travelling around for work. He said he did not have a social life and did not really care. He said he have you when he arrives each time in the city where you live. He ordered three desserts. He made you try the mousse au chocolat and the tiramisu. He said you could eat whatever you want you have a perfect body.

His eyes were smiling with you. He always knows exactly how to make you melt. But he does not play with it and plan it. It is just the way he is. He looked at you so intensely at dinner that sometimes you could not bear his gaze. Sometimes you had to look somewhere else.

After dinner, you walked around the Old Town. Your hands were in his. He stopped at almost every corner of the street to kiss you. His lips were delicious. There was still a bit the taste of red wine. You let your head on his shoulder while walking. You remember he told you once that the people he loves are invited to join him in his modest journey of life. That evening you were certainly part of these people.

To love him is to accept the absence, to accept the ups, to accept the downs. To accept intense emotions and pain when he is away. But what could you do else ?

Yesterday you went on a dinner date to survive. On the way home you promised yourself not to survive that way again. Your heart is too small and you only have space for him. Even though he is more often absent than present. But a thousand dates like yesterday would never equal one dinner with him.

You go home. Your head and heart full of him. Your decision: loving him, not waiting for him, keep on living your life, but not going on dates anymore. Your heart tells you so.

Waking up in Berlin

Waking up in Berlin. I am exhausted from last night. Hardly slept. I can see from the window a piece of blue sky. They say that it is never good weather in Berlin. This weekend was perfect. I think of you as soon as I open my eyes. I think I miss you. I don’t know. Maybe I miss you a bit. Or maybe my brain was too lazy to think of something else so I think of you. As usual.

I open the window to get some fresh air. Where you are right now I think it is still summer. It is always summer where you are. Feel like caressing your neck and say hello to you. I had learned a nice sentence in German this weekend and it fits me perfectly. “Ich bin verwirrt”, I am confused. Do I miss you or do I not miss you? Do I still love you or not?

Where you are right now does someone hold your hands, look at you, listen to you, talk to you and laugh with you? Are people nice to you? Have you made any progress in what you wanted to learn?

Here everybody is nice to me. Half an hour after landing, in the cab, the driver (half Greek – of course) asked me to marry him. He said that I looked like I needed a man like him. But then he said that I looked like I was too independent. He offered me the ride. Nice gesture.

Everybody here treats me well. I talk to people. I see new things. It happens that I laugh too. Somehow I think less and less of you, day after day. But I think deep down I still miss you. Not thinking of you as I used to do does not mean you are forgotten. You are just not present in my mind like you used to be. The effect of time I think. Also a question of survival.

Some kids play outside, screaming and the sky is really blue with a white line crossing it. I see your name in the sky. I see your smile when I close my eyes again.

Time floats in my room. The exhaustion of yesterday night is a blessing. I will stay in bed a little bit more to be sure that I still miss you.

Feel like caressing your neck again. Waking up in Berlin is about you all over again. Maybe that is why I like this city and always want to come back here.

Missing you tonight

“And you’re not lonely?”
“I’m used to it. I’ve had practice” (Pinball – Haruki Murakami)

I miss you tonight

I miss your cigarette that I don’t smoke

I miss your wine that I don’t drink

I miss your city where I don’t live

I miss your vacations whose destination I am not aware of

I miss your life of which I am not part

I miss you so much

You and all the things we don’t share.