“This endured absence is nothing more or less than forgetfulness. I am, intermittently, unfaithful. This is the condition of my survival” (Roland Barthes)
In the early stage of being in love, moments of uncertainty are numerous and hit you in different shapes. There are moments of longing, when your body feels no energy, the only energy left you seem to have is the thought of him. And even so, your brain gets tired of this only, repetitive thought of him. You miss him and your body is aching. Soon even your body is tired of missing him. But the memories of those moments spent with him the last 19 months and in Milan still work.
Your brain is almost out of battery. Your body almost numb. In uncertainty and fatigue, like a miracle, the love you feel for him is still so vivid. While your body carrying physically this pain and longing for love, and missing him for days seems to want to let this love go, there is still something else remaining. And that, that is the love itself. How to explain it? You cannot explain it.
The love you feel for him is outside of what your brain can sustain and of what your body can carry. Have you ever thought of that kind of feeling ? This love that belongs to nothing, nowhere, detached from everything. It is simply love in its pure form. Like uncut cocaine. Should we compare.
The moment you think you are too tired to think of him. Your thoughts for him are still there, hanging above you, looking at you. Triumphant.
Love and doubts go together, people say that. They go together but they function separately. Doubt as much as you can, it will not change the love you have already felt for him.
You know it. One second. Just that one second. All you need to fall in love.
In the early stage of being in love, there are doubts but mostly there is the love that is already there. You hope that when you doubt, when you ask yourself why you fall for him, you will love him less or stop loving him, or waking up, finding yourself silly to have falling for him. What you do not know is that it is too late. You doubt to survive. You know that you already give him your heart. When he came to Milan to join you, doubts are superflous. Doubts are made for survival.