You came to me at a party organized by the backstage of the festival. You asked me why I was here, was I an actress, a producer or a filmmaker? I said that I was invited here because my mother was invited in the first place. The music was loud. I could not hear everything you said. I asked you to give me your visit card instead. Then some of my friends came to us and you started to talk more to them than to me. I started to dance by myself. Later on, you said that you could not stop but looking at me from the bar and you wanted to join me and dance. You said that a guy invited me to dance a slow so you backed off several times. We left together around 4 in the morning in the same cab, with my friends and yours. My hotel was in front of yours. In front of my hotel, we all invited you to my farewell party. Farewell party with me, my best friend and my parents. You said yes.
The next evening we ran into you somewhere between a movie and another one. We said hello. I was with my parents and my best friend. You asked me if my farewell party still took place after the movie. I said yes and invited you one more time. Then we all headed to a cocktail party. You asked which was my relationship with my best friend because you came to know that we shared the same hotel room. You asked if we were together. I said that my best friend was married and had a baby a few months ago. You seemed relieved. You were shy and serious. We talked about movies more than anything else. I was myself, it means I could not be very serious and intellectual as the people in the film industry. I was there to support my mother, not for myself. Then your assistant came by and asked us to join him at a karaoke bar. The idea enchanted me. I love karaoke bar and of course the singing, just like other Asians. You were hesitant but you followed us.
The karaoke bar was tiny and smoky. People can still smoke in that country. My best friend, first thing, grabbed the microphone and sang. You smiled at him and at me. You asked me to sing with him. I said no because I did not want you to feel alone while everybody sang and seemed completely euphoric. You looked tired and I knew you did not like the ambiance. I knew you stayed because of me. I hardly looked at you. Later on you told me it was difficult to guess my intentions and desires. Truth was I did not know for myself if I wanted to be alone with you or to sing with friends. I did not look at you so that I did not have to decide with the expressions on my face. You were waiting for a signal of me. Nothing.
We left the karaoke bar very late. Everybody said goodbye to everybody but nobody seemed eager to leave right away. The handsome Lithuanian filmmaker I met a few days before passed by us. My best friend said: “hey, see, this is the guy she likes and she talked to him the whole yesterday evening”. I pretended not to hear the remark. I did not want you to know that. You asked aggressively: “Ah ok, is this your style of man?”. I pretended not to hear your question. I did not answer. Later on, you told me you were jealous because the guy was indeed handsome. I kissed you goodbye on the cheek and crossed the street to get back to my hotel. My best friend followed me. Once in front of my hotel, I turned my head to check if you too turned your head to look at me one last time. You did not.
My flight was at 8 in the morning. My best friend said to me once in the room: “Forget him, please. It was a nice evening. Let it be that way, ok?”. He turned off the light on his side and fell asleep. I took the hotel stationary, went to the bathroom, stayed in there, sat on the floor. I wrote to you a letter. I gave you my email address, my phone number and asked you to contact me back in Europe. Then I got ready to leave the room. Exhausted but very determined with my letter.
Before I left to the airport, I gave the concierge the letter. I told him to bring it to you personally the same morning and not to send it because I knew you were leaving just one day after me. The concierge had a hard time to understand me. He said he could not bring it to you because it was not possible, it was not part of his job. I was exhausted. My bus to the airport was already there. I took the letter, crossed the street and ran to the lobby of your hotel. I left it to the concierge of your hotel.
Two days later, you wrote to me. You received my letter. You said if I did not write the letter, we would have left each other with my three formal goodbye kisses. You would never know what to do really after the karaoke bar. You would never know how to intervene in order to break the complicity I had with my best friend and keep me all for yourself that night. You said your goodbye kisses were clumsy and desperate with no hope but they were not cold as I said in my letter. You said without my letter, you would have missed an opportunity to live the rare beauty of an encounter, especially after having been so close to me and that moment but not being able to seize the opportunity. You said that we were close and far away at the same time in this karaoke bar because fear invaded you and incomprehension made you completely passive. But with my letter, we had passed from desires to reality. My letter gave birth to our story.
You own me that one. Today I still don’t know if it was a good or bad idea to write the letter. I just know that you own me one. A big one.