It is too late to doubt…

“This endured absence is nothing more or less than forgetfulness. I am, intermittently, unfaithful. This is the condition of my survival” (Roland Barthes)

In the early stage of being in love, moments of uncertainty are numerous and hit you in different shapes. There are moments of longing, when your body feels no energy, the only energy left you seem to have is the thought of him. And even so, your brain gets tired of this only, repetitive thought of him. You miss him and your body is aching. Soon even your body is tired of missing him. But the memories of those moments spent with him the last 19 months and in Milan still work.

Your brain is almost out of battery. Your body almost numb. In uncertainty and fatigue, like a miracle, the love you feel for him is still so vivid. While your body carrying physically this pain and longing for love, and missing him for days seems to want to let this love go, there is still something else remaining. And that, that is the love itself. How to explain it? You cannot explain it.

The love you feel for him is outside of what your brain can sustain and of what your body can carry. Have you ever thought of that kind of feeling ? This love that belongs to nothing, nowhere, detached from everything. It is simply love in its pure form. Like uncut cocaine. Should we compare.

The moment you think you are too tired to think of him. Your thoughts for him are still there, hanging above you, looking at you. Triumphant.

Love and doubts go together, people say that. They go together but they function separately. Doubt as much as you can, it will not change the love you have already felt for him.

You know it. One second. Just that one second. All you need to fall in love.

In the early stage of being in love, there are doubts but mostly there is the love that is already there. You hope that when you doubt, when you ask yourself why you fall for him, you will love him less or stop loving him, or waking up, finding yourself silly to have falling for him. What you do not know is that it is too late. You doubt to survive. You know that you already give him your heart. When he came to Milan to join you, doubts are superflous. Doubts are made for survival.

24 hours in Milan or the G. experience – Part two: the Prosecco

After the longest kiss of the history of kissing, he asks what you would like to drink. You ask for a Prosecco. He knows you do not drink a lot. He is surprised you even order alcohol. Every time at his place, you never even finish a small glass of wine. You have wine just to say Cheers to him.

You sit next to him. The Swiss Corner is all white with design furniture. A long white bar in the middle. Upstairs is the Swiss Embassy. You joke that you two are too Swiss that even abroad the appointment is in a Swiss place. The waiter brings plenty of food with the drinks. It is Italy. Fabulous Italy.

He speaks a perfect Italian. He asks about your three days in Milan, in details he wants to know what you were doing. He looks at you while you are talking. His deep blue eyes. He holds your hand. You touch from time to time his silver bracelet. The colour of silver enhances the colour of his tanned skin. You kiss him on the cheek. He kisses you back. You put your head on his shoulder. You have not been that tender and sweet to any man for the last five years. You feel comfortable, airy, happy. You trust him. You feel peaceful. You ask him about his journey, if he got bored on the train.

You are like a cat, getting closer and closer to his master. You like his smell. You put your nose in his neck. He kisses your hair. People look at you. People smile. People smile to your happiness. In the time of Covid, he makes you feel like nothing else would happen to you or anyone else in this world. You feel safe with him. It is just 5pm. You do not want the evening to start. 5pm forever. Aperitivo forever.

When you finish the Prosecco and stand up, you feel tipsy. You tell him. He says that is because you are not used to alcohol and it is normal as Prosecco is also very sweet. You do not tell him but you know that it is not because of the Prosecco that you are tipsy. It is because of him. His smell. The texture of his hair when you caress it with your fingers. The skin of his hand when you caress it with your cheek. These small things from him that make you tipsy. Not the Prosecco. Do not blame the Prosecco.

Infatuation vs. Love

I was attracted to this man for a while. I wrote to this man for a while. We wrote to each other for a while. But then suddenly somehow I ended up writing only common stuff, observing myself becoming superficial with him. The feelings were gone even though I had several times tried to look for them, carefully with my soul and my heart. The words and the feelings could not connect anymore. I wrote empty letters which were less than nothing. It happened and I did not even know why. I guess like everything, things come and go, feelings too. Especially infatuation. It can never equal love and true love. Yes, I felt for him a certain infatuation, which cannot last without proximity and sharing.

I often ask myself what is the real difference between attraction, infatuation and love. I now have the answer. With true love, you go through silence, separation, loneliness and nothing ever changes. The love is deeply anchored in you. You carry this love with you, walking through darkness sometimes, bearing the loneliness in times apart, but it is just still there. All your mind and soul and body just bear the love, powerfully and imperturbably. Silence never means emptiness. Words make sense. Separation survives distance. You connect no matter how, no matter where, no matter what.

Infatuation fades away very quickly once the physical contact is no more there. Love goes far beyond the touching, the talking, the meeting. Those wonderful feelings of love, you stand there by yourself and feel them all, carry them all inside you. Infatuation is nothing in comparison. Barely a sensation of lust.

I had experienced several times infatuation but had loved not more than twice in my life. I guess that was all the difference.