Meditating angel

“I see enormous loves growing immense and finally crushing me.” (Anais Nin)

angel

I sit still and think of you

Even invisible I can still see you

The streets are quiet and empty

Even silent, even mute I can hear you

I imagine the sound of your footsteps

I imagine your silhouette

And your arms around me

Meditating angel

I have become

The days you are not around

 

 

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Vision in a bath

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Love spasms

I put my head under water

Could I hear

Could I feel

Under water

I shout your name

Love spasms

Under water

Bubbles in the ear

I hear my heartbeat

Love you floating

Love you breathing

Love you in apnea

Love you

Losing my mind

I am out of control

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Live the emotions with no further thoughts

Just live the emotions – don’t think

I repeat this to myself thousands times this morning

Don’t overanalyse

I am scared

Reunion with someone who is your everything

After so many months

I am out of control

I feel like having twenty fingers

My stomach hurts but it is not the butterflies

I feel like having three heads

My organs interchange their places

I am out of order

I am out of control

Is love supposed to be that way?

Just live the emotions

Is almost torture

Crazy crazy crazy

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Crazy crazy crazy

He is home soon

Time flies

Goodbye to light sleep at nights

Reading his words

Today I wrote to someone

“My heart is so well-kept for him”

Crazy crazy crazy

I had given out my laughs

Distributing my thoughts

Sharing my kindness

All these months

By the end of the day

It was all about him

Deep absence

Follows me everywhere

He is home soon

Relief or fear

Touch me tell me

It was not a dream

The idea he will be in the same continent

Crazy crazy crazy

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I would marry him in white, in purple or in any color of the rainbow

photo-93Yesterday I was telling you that my love is calm. And sometimes it just sounds like a melody played by a flute. This morning I woke up at 7 because I had the feeling that my heart was beating so loudly when I thought of him in my sleep, in my dreams, that I needed to wake up. Yesterday I was telling you that my love did not suffocate me anymore. This morning I had to wake up because my heart did suffocate me. Consciously or not consciously, still asleep or not, I felt that my love was heavy and weights on my chest. But not in a negative way. Just physically. I love him so much. I just felt the weigh of that love, of my heart. Really. Physically.  I did not invent it. It is just a natural phenomenon. My love is big. The organ of love is the heart. So my heart weights.

Consciously or not consciously, maybe I was still asleep, I remember at 5 this morning, when I woke up the first time because of my heavy heart, I said to myself – I would ask him to marry me. I, who never once thought of marriage the last ten years. I would marry him in white, in purple, in pastel, in whatever color. I would marry him because people say that the marriage even though useless and is just a piece of paper, is supposed to be the ultimate proof of love. So if people say that, I would do it. If I could do anything to prove my love to him, I would do it. Because I just know that it would be the right thing to do. For me to sleep the whole night without waking up in the middle of it, for that heart to be less heavy, I need to sleep next to him. He would bear that love in my bed, helping me to take away the weigh of my heart. For me to hear the melody of that flute in my head again, I need to hold his hands while falling asleep.

My love is calm yet determined.

Yesterday I could live without him.

This morning the idea is an utopia.

*** Sculpture “Mujer meditando” (Woman on meditation) by José Kuri Brena

Heart talking

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Head in the clouds

Mind in confusion

confusion

I have worked hard

To stand on my own

I refuse complications

And sorrows

I refuse a broken heart

Then I like you

More than I should

Now I guess

I have to welcome

This heart of mine

With more than a few scratches

But I have worked hard too

To like you

More than I should

Because having a nice nude heart

Is bloody bloody sweet

Walking you through your storm

“I wasn’t in love with her. And she didn’t love me. For me the question of love was irrelevant. What I sought was the sense of being tossed about by some raging, savage force, in the midst of which lay something absolutely crucial. I had no idea what that was. But I wanted to thrust my hand right inside her body and touch it, whatever it was.” (South of the Border, West of the Sun – Haruki Murakami)

You opened up to me

You dropped the mask

Being yourself

Showing your wounds

Talking about your feelings

Revealing your injured heart

Accepting my offer

Being my friend

Letting me be your friend

Choosing honesty

Finally we communicate

Words that meant something

Leaving me awake all night

I am overwhelmed

Having you as a friend

Accepting my hands

Accepting my ears

I will walk with you

Through this

You will get there

Your heart will know no more storms

This is your early Christmas gift

Us finding your old love