Happiness

Yesterday like any other evening they watched a movie. Apart. Around 8pm he always writes to her the name of the movie so that they can watch at the same time. They have been doing this for many years. After the movie they write to each other and share their thoughts on the movie.

Yesterday he picked a new movie “Hector and the search for happiness”, a light comedy of a psychiatrist and his journey in the search for happiness.

At midnight they asked each other what made them happy.

Happiness is defined by moments, short moments, long moments. An immediate well-being state of mind. There is nothing else to think about. For an instant, they are happy, just like that. Happiness is when they manage to be together. Time stays still when they are together. Only that counts. Happiness is when they forget about others, when the world outside does not exist for them anymore. Happiness is when they do not care about what could happen next. Only the “now” counts.

Happiness is looking at his eyes and seeing the light of the sun, and even the sun does not come out that day yet, it is still shiny enough. Happiness is smiling for nothing particular just because he is there.

Happiness is the idea of him. Only the idea.

Happiness is each silly emoticon he sends during the day to cheer her up.

Happiness is the good morning song he sends, the “how was your day” song he sends, the good night song he sends.

Happiness is how they live their feelings without worrying about the consequences or the future.

Happiness is how she can write about him for years and all the tiny little things concerning him could be like the universe for her.

Happiness is not only love or being loved, it is far beyond that feeling.

Happiness is particular, it is them and the way they keep on caring about their feelings.

Happiness is when there is no way out than to love each other the way they love each other. Even if they are apart and will be more than apart.

Happiness is knowing all the difficulties and not to avoid them.

Happiness is courage and in their case, certainly a great amount of craziness.

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What would make me happy a day like this ?

What would make me happy a day like today?

It is so dark outside and the snow is falling again. This winter is terrifying. I had a bad lunch that hurt my stomach for hours. I had a lesson of harpsichord, my fingers were stiff. The piece was all about the beginning of the romantic era and I could not play it with stormy feelings. My teacher told me that I was cold today. Truth is I was a bit lack of sleep, lack of vitamines, lack of sun. Monday is always tough. And a German class is waiting for me this evening. Nothing really fancy today, really.

What would make me happy a day like today ?

I would love to run on the beach, feeling sand in between my toes. I would love to feel sun on my face. I would love to have a good vietnamese soup prepared by my grandmother. I would love to sing tonight in a karaoke bar, maybe just to spend my energy, move my voice. I don’t know.

What would make me happy right now?

I would love to be hold in his arms and hear his laugh, listen to his music, watch Youtube endlessly with him and laugh on silly things.

I want sun, I want beach, I want vietnamese food but most of all I want him. Nothing has much changed since the last 24 hours.

He is the sun, he is the beach, he is the vietnamese food, he is the song I want to sing. He is the piece of Bach I want to play. He is the stormy feeling I want to express. He is all the Mondays I will like if he were here.

The smile of mine

Don’t ask me why my gazes seemed absent

Don’t ask me why the crowd in the streets, in the bars looked like robots for me

Don’t ask me why I haven’t listened to people when they talked to me

Don’t ask me why all I could do the last days was smiling stupidly everywhere I go

In the train people smiled back to me

I perceived kindness but still stayed in my clouds

I walked around town with that generous smile

I almost never spoke anymore, I just smiled

I don’t feel strange

I don’t feel normal

I had thousands of shots of passion

I had injected to myself high doses of desires

Times I spent with him

Like vodka, like martini, like tequila, like sake

Times I spent with him

Like honey, like chocolate, like cupcakes

Intra-veinous love I have got

Love that spread out in my blood

In the speed of light

Yes I smile all the time

Because I am high

Of him1095_10151486903668838_715473266_n-1

PS: this will be the only time I put a picture of mine, usually I never want to do it. But today is a bit different, I look so happy and peaceful on this picture so I wanna share. And hey, I am still a bit high today…;)

The key to happiness

photo9

For me things happen in this order only.

Unless I free myself from my illusions, I cannot be peaceful.

If I am not peaceful, my happiness cannot be stable.

If I  am not happy, my mind will keep running after the objects that I believe will give me happiness.

You are my unconditional love.

You are not the key to my happiness.

I sacrifice us together.

For us to be happy

There will be no us

And it is the ultimate love

Perfect evening

Yesterday was perfect evening. So little could make me happy. Very simple things. I received the DVD of the new season “The Mentalist”. There is nothing complicated or sophisticated about this TV series. Just entainterning and light and I love it.

A cup of tea.  Two small pieces of chocolate. I watched some episodes in bed. Felt self-sufficient but in a good way. Yes, so little could make me happy.

Yesterday was perfect evening. Even though when I fell asleep I realized that he did not send me the daily song. But it was fine too. I texted him “good night”. The accumulation of small things is certainly what we need and what makes us feel good.

Before I turned off the light, for a second, I just wondered if his songs were part of the small realities or the big important things in my life. No need to categorize, I think. Just like The Mentalist, his songs make me happy. I fell asleep, smiling.

The natural course

I feel like dancing on the beach

singing one of your songs

playing guitar without knowing how

drinking a colorful cocktail

I feel like going out on a boat

surfing on the lake

one of those beautiful lakes

you had once shown me

Things come to me

like a beautiful day

like a sweet night

I feel them and I feel you

all alive

No thoughts just feelings

I feel like being with you

on that beach

on that boat

No thoughts just wishes

Blown away by an innocent happiness

Having you in my life

As an unavoidable natural course

Inevitably I welcome you

the very first minute we met

 

This morning

The day of yesterday was over at 12.01 am. The night came at 12.02 am. After two hours listening to your music. The deal was off. I accomplished my promise with joy. I had been thinking of you the whole last day. You wished me sweet dreams. You said it was time to dream and not to think. I fell asleep. I fell happy. For a change.

The day starts again. Right now. I had made no deal with you today. No particular mission to accomplish. You are on my mind. I daydream. I feel happy. Again. It is sweet to feel happy in the morning. It never happened  for months. Almost something to celebrate.

I say hello to the world and to you.

I feel light.

Probably thanks to you.

Why don’t you stay?

I didn’t spend much time with her, and we hardly talked at all, but I feel as if she’s living inside me now. Like she’s part of me. I don’t know how to put it. (After Dark – Haruki Murakami)

Your words make me feel sad. Our lives and those of human beings are complicated. Those of couples are even more, incredibly complicated. At first glance, they all seem the same but then they are all different in each tiny detail.

I did not go home pretending nothing had happened between us. Our encounter existed in me. You don’t know me, you don’t know how I function, how I live, how I behave, what I share or not, what I am looking for in my daily life. I don’t want to believe that we will never see each other again, that we will never exchange mails and letters again. It would be stupid and sad.

I called you tonight but you did not pick up the phone. I would like to talk to you. I would like to check on your moods and states of mind. As it was not possible, I will be the one who talks. Monologue it will be.

You write so beautifully. I re-read all of your letters. We had made it come true, from the dream of a Far-East city to the reality of another adventure in another city, lost somewhere in Europe. We had made it possible, from illusion to reality, to our reunion, which was much more beautiful than dreams and anything else.

Darling, I had dealt with you, I had confronted you, I had hugged you, made love to you, talked to you, looked at you, learned from you, learned from myself thanks to you. These moments were extremely rare, much more for me than for you, I think. These people we could meet, with whom we could create a bond, a connection. Connection and bond that we need to invent day after day. Connection and bond that request moments spent together and could only exist and survive if desire and trust are there too. You are these people, these connection and bond for me.

I could not understand your decision to walk away. I could understand your need to protect yourself from being hurt. I was hurt and surprised that you regretted our encounter. You regretted everything we had created together these last weeks. More than a disappointment, it was a betrayal that I could barely accept. I could not assume your bitterness which erased all we had.

I could only talk about rare encounters, magical moments and happiness, about people who count, so that our lives become livable. It is my only way to live love, the kind of love I wish to all nowadays. Much more important and effective than a promise of an exclusive and long lasting commitment.

I wish this is the beginning of a story, a story whose destination I still have no clue of, but maybe just to make it possible the day I could hear you play harpsichord and meet your future red fish.

Friend to friend

Him to me (extracts from some mails over 15 years…):

…You want unconditional and absolute love with a “wild” man, not a “down to earth” one, free but yet caring. In the world of detective TV shows, you want “The Mentalist” type of guy with a lifestyle of a “Colombo”.  I have seen none so far. If I once saw a guy like that, I’d let you know.

…You are rich in past and in reflections, trying to find ideal solutions to a permanent existential hesitation. You try to search for logics. Solutions offer themselves to you, one day perfect then suddenly not anymore. It is not because of your mood. Just because you can’t live in lies and hypocrisies. In doubt, you feel the need to question things, to fight back. Till you are completely exhausted but you never give up.

…You try to be an emotionally rational person, but you can’t. That is why we love you. I don’t think a “sex friend” approach would ever suit you. You go with your heart and your soul. The “sex friend” thing is a half-way deal. Not for you.

…To not be depressed, just look at yourself a little bit in a mirror. Not for your look, but for your soul. You are a good person and there are few. You are generous despite of your perpetual egocentric desires of love. Your personal story is complex and difficult but you came out of that with rainbow colors. Sometimes aftermaths in life are just there for most of us. Yours is a dichotomy: “I deserve continuous pleasure but I also need stability at the same time”. Such quest would leave you K.O.

…You consume the flame of your love – sexual and emotional – as quickly and desperately as it consumes you in return. You are back to square one in a snap.

…You know that happiness is not reality, unless you are a fool.

…You are generous so when in love or when in the upward phase of your auto-persuasion of what love is, you really go beyond the line of duty to accommodate your partner. You could play the forbidden mistress, a perfect housewife, you went camping and hiking. But although you claim to do all this free of charge, on account of your unfaltering love, deep down you require and request reciprocity, refinement and sophisticated attentiveness.

…Beneath your sexy and submissive Vietnamese envelope lies a solid western woman. Indeed, should our personalities become anthropomorphic, you would fit more in an Uma Thurman’s exoskeleton and I would have looked like an older version of Freud.

Me to him:

Thanks for these kind words. You know what is good when you have smart friends, their intelligence rubs off on you and you benefit a bit of that with very few efforts. You forgot to mention that I have been a profiteer too and not only the generous one.  Don’t you see that I have taken advantage of your intelligence all those years? I listen to your advices and grow up.  You are cynical in a beautiful way. Things are important for you but not heavy. I take advantage of that lightheartedness too sometimes. You see all situations with the eyes of a banker and a poet at the same time, which makes a perfect balance. You were right, you are like an old version of Freud, but you are not obsessed with theories, at least not the boring sexual ones. You are the pragmatic one. ”Take it or leave it. Let it go”.  You are more like that. It has been good to have you around as a friend. Yesterday I posted a piece on my Persian brothers. I did not include you in there maybe because you are Greek. But today solemnly I designate you as my brother too. The Greek one.