I am back and so is he…

I was away for a while.

I thought I had nothing more to say about love. Then I was wrong.

I saw him tonight. The same. The only one about whom I wrote and the reason why I started this blog two years ago.

I saw him tonight. We are friends now. But I have been missing him all these days, months. I have been missing him so badly that tonight I decided to write about him again. After one year and three months. I have not been talking about him for one year and three months. I have been thinking of him. And missing him for one year and three months.

I am back and so is he, in my life.

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I used to have a guardian angel

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I used to have a guardian angel

Who now wants to say goodbye

Flying toward other horizons

I used to have a guardian angel

Who has wings and heart

Who now grows up

We spent time apart

But it did not matter

Guardian angels watching over us from the sky

Mine thinks I don’t need protection

He is right

I don’t need protection

I used to have a guardian angel

Who is more than protection

Who has given me wings and heart

To fly on my own

This V-Day

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I have promised myself not to post something about the V-day. This day is like to oblige someone to think of you, to love you. I never love this day. It makes singles feel miserable not having someone. It makes people in couple, if they are not in love that much anymore, to think they have to do something to honor their partners. It is only good for people who are really in love, but then they would not need to celebrate it just today.

Now that I have expressed my “not super nice” thoughts about the V-day, I had to admit I woke up this morning and by the time of my first coffee I had already sent to my loved ones (friends, male and female) texts wishing them a happy day. I had to admit, I still feel a bit more “full of love” than the other days. How come ? It’s not possible to feel even more love. But I did. I have loved all year round, intensely and even more intensely today.

I don’t like the V-day but it has an effect on me, still.

And how come did I not write about him yet? Here I come. I opened my eyes at 7am sharp, because his words arrived at 6.59 sharp. I received around ten emails in the morning. I could feel exactly with closed eyes when it was his.

I love him in this V-day and everyday. What else could I say? Not much.

Now I am hesitating between pretending it is just a normal day and writing back to him, a normal “hello” or sending him one million of hearts with a desperate “I LOVE YOU S. ”  Could you help me out here ???

This V-day do mess with me.

To you, my bloggers friends and readers, a very happy V-day !!!

Memories over a meal

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This evening I was invited by my sweet Vietnamese girlfriend to test a 3-courses meal she would prepare for the Valentine’s day. It is always a special occasion to be at her place not only because the food is delicious, but also because I had kept a particular memory about her place. And I am sure you would know why.

Almost two years ago, she invited me on a mild evening of September for dinner. And as she had seen you a few times before at my place, also for dinner, she had decided to invite you too. I remember, you and I were new lovers. Not even for a month. It was a nice surprise as you accepted her invitation. I arrived there a bit before you. I remember I had not seen you for maybe ten days. I was very glad to see you that evening. We had enjoyed every minute of it. The atmosphere was relaxed. You listened to us a lot. By that time, my friend was in a difficult sentimental phase and you were a perfect guest. Patient, you listened to us and our girly stories about love and romance.

I remember I felt close to you, like a good friend. I already liked the way you were with my friends. Easygoing, gentleman. Perfect.

I remember when you arrived, you entered the living room, immediately my cheeks had blushed and my ears were warmer. There was something about you. I remember you showed me your left foot which was all swollen. You got injured helping a friend in a moving. I remember I felt so sorry for you.

I don’t think I was not nervous. I was a bit nervous. We had to pretend we were just friends in front of the others. Later on, my friend asked me: “Was there something between you two?” “Why?” I answered. “Well, because at that dinner, I felt something very intense and very erotic between you two. Each time I turned my back to go get something in the kitchen or to prepare the food, I had the feeling that you two were kissing or touching, right?, my friend said to me. “No, no. Not at all. There was nothing.” I answered.

I remember we behaved very good that evening. We said goodbye to my friend and left the apartment together.

I remember as soon as we were in the elevator, we started to kiss each other, a bit shyly first. I remember in the street in front of her house, we really kissed each other passionately. Like two adolescents. It was like a storm, a thunder. It lasted forever. The mild temperature of September was perfect for our kisses.

It was the first time that I had felt something different from you. You were not like the others. I remember I took the bus back home because you got your motorcycle.

By that time, I thought it was lust. Even a few weeks after that evening and that stunning kiss, I still thought that was just lust. I was so attracted to you that I thought love could not be that intense. My body reacted to your presence, to your voice, to the view of your hands, your arms in a very intense way. I thought I could explain that with something more physical, hormonal, and not emotional.

A few months after that evening, I was falling in love with you. Lust was taken over by love. The physical attraction had given to the emotions a special place. Each time we saw each other again, there was a combination of both. But I knew that September evening had triggered something in me. Like Murakami had written: “Ice is cold, roses are red, I am in love”. 

That evening which ended with that long kiss in the street was a sign.

Tonight I said goodbye to my friend. I stayed exactly two minutes in front of the house, exactly at the same spot where we were kissing. I said to myself: “I had loved him exactly here. Ice is cold, roses are red. I fell in love exactly here.”

I am a fighter

6am in the morning. Light enters the room. I open my eyes. The pain wakes up too. The pain that broke me already into pieces. The brain wakes up. It starts the thinking. Choices to make. In a second either I let the pain eating me up, either I push myself out of bed.

Choice made: in one second I get out of bed. Boil water and make a coffee. Choose the best summer dress. I am still tanned. Remember Barneys Stinson in “How I met your mother”. His motto:  “Always look awesome”. The guy always wears suits and it works.

The day starts well. A long mail from a dear friend from Berlin. Some nice words from my little cousin. They are checking on me as the last post yesterday on Facebook was filled with despair and sadness. People care about me.

Walk to the tram listening to “The Road to hell” by Bruce Springsteen. Get in the tram. Run into an ex-lover who happens to live in the same neighborhood. He says “Good morning you” with a huge hug and a big smile.  Small talk a few minutes to him. Continue to listen to the same song. Good rhythm so as my steps to the office.

Messages of a friend from Tokyo and another dear one on vacations in Koh Samui right now. People really care about me.

Feel like a fighter.

Say hello on the blog.

Start the redaction of a report.

Prepare a presentation for a conference in three weeks.

During the whole time, the pain tries to attack me and to win some place. No, not now. Maybe during the night, but during the day, nasty pain, you can’t be there.

Because I am a fighter during the day.

You and me: things and stuff

There are so many cute things about you.

Sometimes I just ask myself if you are born cute or you are just being cute with me.

Of course you are not easy everyday but most of the time I can count on you.

Sometimes you say “no” to things which cost you nothing to say “yes”. For that you always surprise me. I asked you the other day to tell me your dates of exams and you said “no”. So silly. And so “you”.

But then another day I asked you to come with me somewhere downtown because I needed to show you something there. You said “yes” right away. Then of course you turned suspicious and asked what was the “thing” I wanted to show you. I did not answer. Then came the day of our appointment downtown. I cancelled it because to show you the “thing” I needed to buy “something” for that and I could not find that “thing” so I aborted our “operation”.

You asked me: “Could you please tell me what is the “thing” we are going to do and what is the “thing” you could not find in order to do our “thing”?”.

You said that you were in a full period of revision of exams and probably my “thing” and our “operation” will put you in a very bad mood. But you still agreed on another meeting.

The exchange of our text messages on this “thing” made me laugh. You are I, we are kids and silly kids even. But you are cute because you don’t refuse and still say “yes”.

I still look forward to doing that “thing” with you next week in the Old Town. I still need to show you that “thing”. I took me more than a day to find the “object” I would need for the “operation”.

We will do it and next week I could reveal to my readers the “thing”. It will be so much fun. Because I can already imagine your face while doing the “thing”. Not sure you will like it but it’s worth a try asking you to do it.

I stop being mysterious. I see you next week and don’t work so hard!

The dynamic of three

The dynamic of three is no good. The dynamic of three never works when it comes to travels. As a fervent supporter of traveling alone, I accepted last week the risk to travel with two friends. It was not a bad experience but clearly, three was not a good number. When two persons do not agree on a plan, one of them usually seeks out for support from the third one. This always put the third person in a delicate situation because if he decides to support one of the friends, he diplomatically puts himself in an even less comfortable situation with the one whom he did not support. The dilemma first seems to be insignificant but after two or three days, it becomes deeper. We could not avoid the same dilemma last week.

Personally I cannot say that I was closer to one of them. They are both “equal” friends to me. But I do have more similar tastes with one and it then became easier to get along with him during the trip. Suddenly I realized that our dynamic had changed the moment we were three to decide and even for the simplest thing: to be together 24/24. The other friend usually cool and easygoing started to say “no” to whatever we suggested. I think he felt he was left out even though we never did anything intentionally in that direction. It seemed like he just wanted to say “no” to score some points and to show us he could also say “no”. It became little by little annoying when he always played this game, even for insignificant details such as saying no systematically to everything, places where we could have coffee, whether we should walk or take a cab. Everything was subject to a long argumentation. When the three of us were together, he always argued in the opposite direction with exactly the opposite reasoning no matter right or wrong he could be. When we had a chance to be only two by two, the relationship became normal again. Once I had an early breakfast with the “difficult” one, alone with him, while waiting for the other friend, it worked perfectly. He were calm. We had a “normal” conversation. As soon as the third friend appeared at the café, the verbal fighting started all over again over stupid things.

It was my first time traveling with two friends. We should definitely have another forth friend for the next time. So either there will be a clear and large majority (three against one) or we could split into two and two to do things, visit and travel around.

I did not regret having done this trip. Not at all because it was still nice to be with friends. It was just sometimes very energy and time-consuming to fight over a cup of coffee on vacations. If I listen to myself again, I probably would always travel alone. I have done it so many times and I really love traveling alone. But it is also good for me to know how to share and tolerate differences when traveling with people. Finally in each experience, you learn something from yourself, for yourself and from the others. Which is the blessing of life.

Text message

Sometimes during the day, when I think of him, I text him. A simple text with nothing on it except his name, the one I gave him the first day we met.

Each time he answers me right back with some question marks “???” or a “what happened?”.

He is still not used to my  text “scream”, when I text like this, he still thinks I am in trouble or need help.

Some day I will have to tell him to get used to that, it’s me thinking of him, missing him. It’s not a distress scream, it’s a “I MISS YOU”, a “I THINK OF YOU A LOT” message. I just shout out his name in the middle of the day like that. Sometimes.

But I don’t complain. I like the way he is feeling concerned by this tiny tiny text message.

Lawyers

Nobody likes lawyers.

We need lawyers but usually we don’t like them.

They know the law, they have their power, they are cocky.

Nobody can stand them. Usually. It is the kind of job we hate but cannot help to respect. We like to see them as a shark more than a person.

I have never been in law school. Somehow I ended up knowing quite a lot of lawyers. Maybe because of my job. It is a little bit like the Persian community too. You know one of them. You know all of them.

There are all kind of personalities hidden under their strict suits. Their world is a world apart. I think it is the best field observation for a sociologist.

There is the “Casanova” alike style. Not very obvious but still. I remember once I had a date with one of this category. Funny, the first thing he said was that he was like Peter O’Toole in “What’s new pussycat?” Women chase him but he doesn’t want any. Turned out that he was my best date and crush for a few months. I did not really like what he represents but could not help falling for his smile and charm. An easy kind of charm but still efficient. I had never been drunk in my life. The one time I got drunk was with him. Easy dates. Easy conversations. Easy sharings. Easy laughs. Nothing super romantic but I told you. Efficient. We shared our pronounced taste for old movies. We had seen each other three times alone, and a few more with common friends. We had always ended the evening with a kissing session in his car like adolescents but that was it. We had never gone further than that and it was perfect. No closure. Just friends. Even quite good friends since.

There is the idealist kind of lawyers. They want to work in small firms. They want to do good. They are sensitive. These are the best to be with. They wear long hair. They come back from a long trip around the world and find themselves unable to work for a big law firm, fighting for some assets of some clients. When you are with them, you don’t even imagine they are lawyers. You talk about anything but law. I call them the “rock’n’roll” ones. When you have a small question about law, you call them and get the answers right away. As a friend.

Then there are the ambitious ones. Not bad either. We need all kind of people to make the world go round. Their ambitions can frighten you but at the same time are fascinating. They have the look of an old Professor of Harvard. They speak slowly and use sophisticated words. You follow their career by far. It is always quite impressive. You wonder why they have that kind of energy for work and what was their deepest drive or desires. Sure money is not an issue. There is more than that. One of my close girlfriends had married a guy like that. I was always intrigued and becharmed by him when I had a chance to see them. The kind of guy who looked at you intensely in the eyes and asked what you were doing, what were your projects (at that moment you started to feel your legs shaking a bit). The interest could be only of politeness but this kind of acquaintance is gripping.

Their world is so different from mine. I don’t know why but I am still interested in theirs after all these years. Maybe because of all those TV shows. First Law and Order, Ally Mc Beal, then Boston Legal, Suits and many more. They are endless subjects for hundreds of movies. Still, we are reluctant to like them. How come? If I had been one of them, I would have known the answer. Maybe. In the meantime, I keep on observing. It amuses me.

My brothers

During my years in college, I had a nickname “Ly and the Persians”. Very simple: almost all of my friends are Persian. You know one, you know all of them, one friend of a friend, one after another and you end up knowing the whole persian community in the city. Most of them left Iran very young, around the age of 11 or 12. They attended high school then college in Europe, yet, what I like about them is they still possess a subtle mix of oriental and occidental values. In friendship, they are very present and spontaneous. I like the way we had spent time together without having to plan it weeks or months ahead. When we were younger, one cooked and all the others came by and we had dinner together almost every evening. We hung out every single day, at the cafeteria, sometimes we skipped lectures and played cards somewhere in the hall.

There were four of them and me. Just like the fingers of the hand. They were like my brothers. My mother used to say that they were my “references”, the male figures of my life as my parents divorced when I was five, and I had never seen my father ever since. I think somehow they all act as if they were really my blood brothers. I don’t know when we started this “family pact” thing. Probably at first because of my mom. I remember once before a long trip to Vietnam, my mother cooked a huge dinner and invited all of them. She asked them to take care of me while she was away. She did not designate anyone in particular. That was when they started to play the role of my brothers. It was not always easy for me. Because when I went out for a date, they asked who the guy was. Nicely but still, they took their role quite seriously.

Ali: The incarnation of natural elegance and a subtle “I don’t care” attitude. Imagine you can throw a plastic trash bag on him and let him wear it and he is still elegant. Even the way he holds a cigarette is elegant. Maybe because he is so easygoing that after a while his body and gestures are completely personified by this attitude. He is the only guy who could wear white clothes from head to toes in winter time and would not look ridiculous. Ali doesn’t follow fashion. He invents fashion.

“The King of the Cool”, I call him. He is the coolest I think. I could do any foolish thing, he would always say: “You are gonna be fine”. You can never be dramatic with him because in just one second he can unravel all of your stories and demystify all of your heroes (men I used to fall in love with). Things are light when you meet him. He is the one who will always be there for you. Sure thing.

Afshin: “the whining kid”, the one we used to make fun of most of the times. Af. and I we once promised to each other we would be the “back up” plan if we did not get married by the age of 30 (now he is married, thanks God, I am kidding!). We used to have some getaway weekends all together. What we did: we just went to visit my mother and stayed there the whole weekend. We watched movies together, ate Vietnamese food until we were completely stuffed. I remember the one time we had laughed out loud for at least half an hour, that was when Afshin showed up in a one-piece pajama (the one only babies can wear !!!) before bedtime. It was the funniest and the most unforgettable memory of our times together. He now works with my mother in some movie projects. I had a chance to make a trip with him last year to promote one of her films. We went to Asia and I think I had spent the whole 11 hours inflight laughing with tears in my eyes. Exceptional trip. Happiness in the purest state.

Bahram: He is quite a character. We were living in the 80s and the 90s together but his look during the whole time was 70s. I never understand why he chose to have this outfit. In college, he was so different. It seemed like he never fit in, always a bit out of time and out of space, but this “disadvantage” finally gave him a kind of outdated charm. He had the haircut of Michael Jackson in Jackson Five, his colorful shirts were tight with huge large collars, his large trousers. He danced and sang like Prince. He had such a special of humor. We had a special relationship too, maybe not only a friendly one sometimes. If I went out for a date, he could be mad at me for a few days. I remember  an episode with him. Once he was angry with me for a week, I could not stand it anymore so I called him and asked for an explanation. We went to have coffee and cake at a tea-room. A tiny tea-room with five tables, all decorated with very kitsch plastic flowers and all pink, the kind of tea-room only reserved for old ladies or grandmas. We sat down and I started to yell at him: “Why are you mad at me? You did not even say hello to me at school for a week now ? What happened? Was it because of this guy I have met? What’s wrong with you? Are you in love with me? Aren’t you? “. I shouted. Silence in the room. All the grandmas stared at me, this silly girl. I was really loud. Bahram looked at me and made “shhhhh….sssshhhh….low your voice..” Then after five minutes, he yelled back with all his lungs open: “Who do you think you are? In love with you ? Are you kidding me? Who can fall in love with such a hysteric??” Then we both realized how ridiculous we were and burst into loud laughs. Bahram got married a few years ago. We lost contact when he had the second kid.

Navid: And then there IS Navid (drums and trumpets, please !!!). The quiet, the gloomy, the alpha male Navid. He has the aura, the charm, the charisma AND the body of Apollon. He is the kind of guy whom you ask to put on clothes when you are with him at the pool, because otherwise nobody could concentrate on the conversations. When you are with him, even if there is an earthquake or a tsunami, you can still feel safe. He never talks a lot but he has a way to communicate to you, a very particular way which can heal you immediately when you are in deep sorrows. Maybe because he is a doctor and doctors always know how to comfort people or to encourage patients with very few words. He exudes serenity and calmness. He never shows off, not once. He says nothing about him, his career or achievements. You google him and you see he won prizes of surgery all over the world, he had published prestigious medical articles. Recently I just had a drink with one of our common friends, also a surgeon. This friend told me he could not do surgery on noses because it was the most difficult thing to do. You need to have practiced on at least 300 noses, alone, without your chief’s assistance in order to be a nose surgeon. Then he added: “Navid, he can, he did, I think, 500 noses by himself when he studied in the US.” Nobody knows that.

My mother has a deep secret. She has always thought that I should have married Navid. I told my psychiatrist about my mother’s desire. He looked at me and asked: “And you? What do you think? Do you think you should have married Navid ? “. Full stop. End of the conversation. But two years ago, one night I dreamt that I indeed got married with him. The next morning, I texted him: “Hey we got married in my dream last night”. He answered: “I am very honored”.

These are my brothers. I wish you could have met them and known them. I have loved them equally, differently but equally. They completed me. Like my mother used to say: “I don’t know which one is my favorite”. Me either. I don’t know which one is my favorite. The four of them, probably.

PS: This morning – text message from Afshin: ” It’s clear. Your favorite is Navid”. From Navid: “I am flattered to be on your blog…hum..I hope ;-). From Ali: “…..enormous………….”