People keep on asking me why I did not stop loving him. What impedes me to get out of a relationship like this one? Most of the times I did not answer but just smiled. A few times I answered and said something. “Just because…”. How could one know why he/she stays in love or in a relationship? I could name a thousand of reasons to not love him and to not be there for him. Then it might just be one reason to stay as it is and keep on giving him all I have. And this reason is enough, at least for me at the moment. I don’t love to be loved back. I don’t give to receive. When I talk to him from far away, I don’t need any reason to persuade me to be there for him, probably forever.
But there might be something. There is something in him that draws me deeper and deeper into this relationship. This something is particular and unpredictable. He is different from the others. He never acts like anybody else. In certain situations, when people act cold, he is warm. When people get mad, he smiles and accepts. When I think he is mad at me, he is there. When I think he would definitely push me away because I was annoying, he holds me back.
There might be clearly something. Certainly the feel of his hands and his eyes over me. I had never felt such touch and emotion. It was very different from any other touch of hand that I have ever known. His gaze also was very different especially when we talked to each other, when he looked at me in the morning. As if he wanted to see through my soul. When he touched me, he created a parallel world for the two of us, a world within the world we live in with other people. A world in which everything was possible. If you wish for wings to fly, you could have them. If you wish for dreams to come true, they will. Anything. You close your eyes, wish for something in our world and you have it. This was the way he looked at me. In a way that all “maybe” and “probablys” could easily become “certainlys”.
If you ask me once again why I stay in love with him, I think I could give you this approximate answer. Because I still want to travel to this place he created for me and for him. I still want to explore it. As long as I see myself in this place with him, I will stay in love. Even though he is not with me everyday. This world was already there, waiting for me. I just could not move on without getting there first. He might be there. He might not. He had already given me his words:
“whatever we would become one day, whatever shape our relationship would take, we will stay connected”
Certainly in OUR place. Where else ?