The enemy of love: Fear

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I have been coward

I was scared to death

I overanalysed

I thought twice then three times then four times

I reasoned my emotions

I repressed my feelings

I did not see him yesterday

Fear – nonsense fear

Fear over love

I have dreamt for months of touching his face

I have dreamt for days of hearing his voice

Hearing his stories

Devillish fear

And worst of all

The fear was so powerful

I even had no regrets

Loving him is simple and beautiful

Yesterday the fear took it all

Accursed fear stronger than my love

In one second loving him has become complicated

Bathing in hopeless fear

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I can’t believe in ugly souls

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“While they are still alive, people can become ghosts” (Kafka On the Shore – Haruki Murakami)

I have never been closer to someone’s frustration and fear of rejection than in the last 24 hours.

Have you ever looked at someone’s eyes and all you can see is hatred and anger ? The words are hard, the voice of despair and anger, the body smell of failure, the whole world is to be blamed.

Have you ever looked at someone’s eyes and thought that one more second of that gaze and your beliefs and world would be ruined forever.

I have never considered someone as an ugly person. I have never dealt with violence and bad intentions. I embrace life and the world with the idea that if I can see beauty in everything in the roughest condition, someone else could see it too. If I could share my optimism, someone else can feel it too.

I have encountered ugliness during the last 24 hours. It shook me quite badly. I almost felt lost.

I don’t believe in mean people. I can’t believe in ugly souls.

I was scared this weekend.

I was scared that such encounter would change me.

Here I am, praying to find peace and love again.

Luckily I received words of comfort from my dearest friend from far away, I found back beauty. In him.

Poetry and Penitence

I attended today a panel on poetry reflecting on incarceration.

From inside the wall, convicts write poems to breathe, they write for oxygen. Some are twenty years old and had been sentencing for life or more than twenty years. Some will never get out. Here are the words of Ben, James and others. From outside the wall, I share their struggles and suffering. The followings are their words. I share them in freedom and hope. I feel like a duty to do so.

Regrets from James:

Hopes dwindle, dreams fade

Attitudes flare,

Pain inflicted, no one listens

Just icy stares.

No mercy, no forgiveness

No second chance, 

Walks alone, dials but no one’s home

A prisoner’s stance

If Shoes Can Feel Shame from Ben:

Often when we feel shame, up is the last place we want to look. My shoulders, they slump, tilting my head and my gaze locking on my shoes. I don’t know if a pair of shoes can feel shame, if so mine have bore the brunt of it. I fear one day I will be a hunchback…

Vulnerability from Ben:

My heart is not bitter

In fact it’s broken

But I know what it means to be a man

Gentleness, integrity and love

Quiet strength, a father a husband a friend

These things make me a man

And I am no longer afraid

We are alike

Our countries look alike

The mountains, the lakes and the green

The houses and the same flowers on the balcony

We share a border

We are alike

You and your blue green eyes

Me and my dark hair

We met where there was no time, no rules, no attach

You speak your dialect

I speak mine

We communicate with smiles, silence and music

You run miles and miles away from home

I stay in the same place

When I touch your skin

And you taste mine

You and I

We are alike

Two happy and untamed souls

No border, no limits, no fear

If we meet again

Allow me to choose the ocean

For the friendly sound of waves

And the beauty of the mermaids

No tides to tie us down

You are free and so am I

If only we could tame each other

In no time, no rules, no limits and no fear

If only we were that alike

Trust

With you I have done things

That I had never done before.

Unimaginable things

With you I am limitless

I have no fear

I don’t think

You just ask

And I obey

It seems natural

You could even ask me more

And push my limits further

But you never did

You could take advantage of my obedience

But you never did

You just enjoy

Seeing me trusting you

That is also one of the things

I had never done before

Trusting a man

Like I trust you now

3 fears come to 1: Numbness

“It was no longer her absence that wounded me, but my growing indifference to it. Forgetting, however calming, was also a reminder of infidelity to what I had at one time held so dear.” (On Love – Alain de Botton)

The biggest fear

Of a romantic lover

Numbness of her heart

Like a blank page

Absolutely nothing

It has been going on for days.

Numbness of her heart

She regrets the days she felt pain

A blank page

Is never funny.

***

The biggest fear

Of a cerebral lover

Absence of communication

Between her brain and her heart

Splitting of command

Rupture of connection

Between her brain and her heart

The brain keeps on ordering: “Stay in love for God’s sake¨”

The heart: “I try to. But I don’t feel anything. I am numb.”

***

The biggest fear

Of a sensual lover

Insensitivity of her skin

Loss of desires

Numbness of her heart

Turns her body

Into wood

Forests

Everyone just keeps on disappearing. Some things just vanish, as if they were cut away. Others fade slowly into the mist. And all that remains is a desert (South of the Border, West of the Sun – Haruki Murakami)

I am lost

In finding you

In following you

In waiting for you

My efforts

Endless and useless

If only I could

Hear the sound of

A crackle of a dead leaf

A movement of your footstep

Crushing my heart

Making sense in my head

While disappearing in the forest

Of your own fear and torments

Leaving me

In deeper disarray

With no possible end.

Distance vs. proximity

She regrets the time when they were apart. When he was 4’300 miles away, the distance protected him. She could write to him every day. He was happy to receive her mails, partly because he was alone in a foreign country but most definitely with the distance he felt safe, he did not need to worry that their relationship could go too far or could progress in a positive way. He had let her feed him with her love daily and he had accepted with a certain pleasure.

The moment they were in the same city again, everything for him became complicated. Or more precisely, his interpretation of how things could happen was complicated and irrational. The way he sees things is from a wrong perspective and angle. He anticipated wrong feelings from her. He still did not get her or understand what she really wanted. From his side, he cogitated for nothing. He was scared even though she did not ask for anything. No more, no less. She was being the same woman, just like the one during his absence. He interpreted everything wrong. A text of her to say good morning, like she used to do it, and suddenly he thought that she wanted to see him. He felt the need to text back and said something useless such as: “I have no time, I have things to do, I have to work”. He forgot that she had a life too and this life without him she had been living for months now. She certainly missed him, everyday, or now and then. But she was always alone and he was never there. She was surrounded with other people and friends. He was simply a shadow of her dreams, or desires or maybe love.

It became too complicated that she was obliged to stop saying hello and simply to stop suggesting anything even simple, a coffee, a movie, a drink. The subjective over-interpretation from his part has started to suffocate her feelings. She could not even offer a nice gesture without him thinking that she might want something more. It became annoying.

Everything between them became less natural. She was annoyed he could think that she was clingy. Distance is not that bad sometimes. The feeling of being able to express herself freely was lost somewhere between the ten bus stops separating their homes. Too bad he could not handle that.

Sometimes people think that long-distance relationships are difficult to live with. She thinks differently. Long-distance empowered her love, gave him courage to be there (because he could not be there). They were closer than never. Now they are not even 30 minutes away from each other, yet they hardly communicate. His fear terrifies her. His fear stops her from giving, from being spontaneous. She started to question herself too.

But she knew that it would happen the day he came back. He was this kind of man. The kind of man who put walls around him before you could even get close to him. Just to be sure that you can never get hold of him. The only time he was without this armor was when he was away. How sad for him ! He did not know what he would eventually miss. Their usual nice moments when they were once together. Their talks, their laughs. What he forgot was that the most beautiful thing between them was the real time they had spent together, not the time apart, virtually through e-mails. But as long as he was paralyzed by their proximity, she could not do nothing. If she saw him in the street, she would tell him the truth. Writing him a text to ask him to have this conversation, she would not risk that one more time.

She continued to live her life on her side, without him. She had spent the last three days being sad then suddenly all the sadness seemed familiar to her. It makes no difference anymore. He was there or not. It makes no difference. That was the worst thing for a relationship. Definitely there is one thing worse than love or hate: indifference. She read it somewhere.

She went out this evening and for the first time felt relieved and free.

This love’d better last

Sometimes I am scared that when I stop loving him, I will have nothing left to say on my blog.

Don’t you notice that he is my inspiration?

Don’t you notice that I created this blog to channelize my feelings, my love for him somewhere nobody could be disturbed, except you, dear readers who may stop by and read these lines?

In Sex and the City, there was Mr Big, Carrie’s life-time love. Here, you have Mr. Blog, my tormented, yet so particular love.

Usually I don’t share the one I love. This one time makes an exception. How can I keep him all for myself ? You have been with me for three weeks now and you have witnessed all of my states of mind and feelings for Mr. Blog and you are still here. For that, I am very grateful. Have you ever asked yourself: “Gosh, what does this guy look like? How come she can write about him almost everyday ? What kind of guy affects people in that freaking way? Does he really exist? Is this love fictional? Or is it real? “.

When I gave the link to my blog to my closest friends. The reactions were mixed. Those who know about his existence told me never to give him the link because once he read it, he would probably become too confident and cocky. They added that men need the chasing sensation; he needs to think that he will have to chase me to get me and that nothing is ever sure. A love like this could only give me prejudice and harm me in the long run. Other friends who did not have a clue about his existence asked me whether he really exists and if yes who is he.

It’s 2 am in the morning and here I am, writing about him. Damn, please join me in my fear: the day I stop loving him, what else could bring us together, I will be so poor, what else can I share to you?

But I will not let you down. I will try to make my love last.