It is too late to doubt…

“This endured absence is nothing more or less than forgetfulness. I am, intermittently, unfaithful. This is the condition of my survival” (Roland Barthes)

In the early stage of being in love, moments of uncertainty are numerous and hit you in different shapes. There are moments of longing, when your body feels no energy, the only energy left you seem to have is the thought of him. And even so, your brain gets tired of this only, repetitive thought of him. You miss him and your body is aching. Soon even your body is tired of missing him. But the memories of those moments spent with him the last 19 months and in Milan still work.

Your brain is almost out of battery. Your body almost numb. In uncertainty and fatigue, like a miracle, the love you feel for him is still so vivid. While your body carrying physically this pain and longing for love, and missing him for days seems to want to let this love go, there is still something else remaining. And that, that is the love itself. How to explain it? You cannot explain it.

The love you feel for him is outside of what your brain can sustain and of what your body can carry. Have you ever thought of that kind of feeling ? This love that belongs to nothing, nowhere, detached from everything. It is simply love in its pure form. Like uncut cocaine. Should we compare.

The moment you think you are too tired to think of him. Your thoughts for him are still there, hanging above you, looking at you. Triumphant.

Love and doubts go together, people say that. They go together but they function separately. Doubt as much as you can, it will not change the love you have already felt for him.

You know it. One second. Just that one second. All you need to fall in love.

In the early stage of being in love, there are doubts but mostly there is the love that is already there. You hope that when you doubt, when you ask yourself why you fall for him, you will love him less or stop loving him, or waking up, finding yourself silly to have falling for him. What you do not know is that it is too late. You doubt to survive. You know that you already give him your heart. When he came to Milan to join you, doubts are superflous. Doubts are made for survival.

Who has a simple answer?

To what extent one should fight for love?

At first glance, a logical answer: when it’s WORTH it (a friend once told me this).

How do we know if it’s worth it ?

But if we don’t try to fight, how can we know what is worth fighting for?

What is worth then?

The person? The relationship? The moments together? The connection?

To what extent one can trust his instincts or his reasonings to evaluate such essential problematic?

When one could deliver the verdict: HE/SHE IS THE ONE?

Could one ever reach that certainty? And thanks to what?

Evidence, tangible proofs? Acts? Words? Neither of them?

Or could one be blindly stubborn and hold on to a meaningless love and never open his eyes and wake up?

How could one know?

By detecting some real signs: intense deep looks, unverbalized emotions through touches, scents, skins, moments of intense connection, magical sharing?

How could one know it is all true and not all pretending?

When it comes to love, one asks a thousands of questions and nothing is obvious, there is no obvious answers. It should be easy but then it’s not.

For how long should one stay and reflect, and wait? When is it time to stop asking questions? Either go for it or stop?

The real question might be: “To what extent do we agree to suffer?”.

We answer this question: we are willing to take the risk of suffering,

If the person is WORTH it.

Back to square one of the reflection.

Sigh.