Mood after Italy

You let him come to Italy. Live dangerously, you call it. Live cautiously is not to let him come. Majestic him. Whom you know you cannot resist.
The experience was vertiginous. When you live the ups you have to be ready for the downs. Who wants rain must expect the muds. You were ready. Or at least you think you are ready. Ready for the downs, the moment you kiss goodbye at the station. When you only want romance, that is what you get. The slow and irregular heartbeats when he walks away. You take the last train. Outside the night is falling. The rain drops stick on the window and slowly disapear, just like the memories of your day spent with him.
The next day you get these symptoms of those who are in love. Are you too? The question is irrelevant. You should have things under control. Vulnerability is not part of your vocabulary.
The next day the symptoms are acute. You think of him the moment you open your eyes in the morning. His smile. His strong arms. His blue eyes when he looks at you. You hardly eat. You live out of memories. Your heart feels weak. Your brain functions half of its capacity.
You embrace the symptoms. If truly you are in love, then it is a gift. But you doubt the symptoms will last. You hope somehow they will last. For once, you let your guard down.
You think love is a decision. Rationality. There is nothing more powerful than your brain. How long are you going to let him stay in your heart. Some will say that it is not love if you can control.
The second day you still feel dizzy but the memories of his smiling eyes fade away already a little bit. But the feeling of him is still very present. Now you are tipsy when you think of him. And it is nothing in comparison to the moment you went to the bar to meet him in Italy, that moment you feel like you have swallowed a bottle of wine all by yourself.
You dont know how to fall in love and how to be with someone. You only feel. Your five senses tell you what love is. Love is science fiction. Love is alien for you. Yet the symptoms of love are earthy for you. Even in the landing you can feel them.

Rebel of love

I am a rebel of love.

There are so many rules in love we have to follow these days. Someone told me once about the “72 hours” dating rule. It means that when you meet a guy, if he texts you, never text back before 72 hours, so that you don’t sound desperate. How stupid is that ! I never apply any rules in matters of texting. If I have time and see the text, I text back. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it is just minutes after. Once I had a drink with a guy. He asked me: “Why did you accept to have a drink with me right away ? You did not wait 72 hours to answer. It seems that you are not very busy”. Wow ! He apparently knew that rule. The drink lasted less than 30 minutes, I told him that actually I was very busy and had to go. I had saved myself some time. In less than 72 hours, I knew that there was nothing to pursue with a guy who preferred waiting.

Then there is the rule of “play hard to get”. What can it change anyway ? If the guy doesn’t like you, you can play hard to get, never say “yes”. You play hard to get for nothing then, he doesn’t care anyway.

I never follow any rules. I always think that the quicker you know how the guy feels about you, or how the story “smells”, the quicker you get the idea and can decide to go for it or to move on. ┬áIt is useless to keep the game open when it is not meant to be.

Funny thing is somehow I still believe that love is a big game. Some like the “simple” game with well-established rules right at the beginning, others play but are afraid to get burned. Some see love as a poker game with all the possibilities to cheat and yes, we can somehow lose a fortune over it. You can bet all you have, you can bet your heart and your soul, the other person might follow you with everything he has on his side or just leave the table when he has nothing to offer. The best game for me would be at the end the two persons leave the table and say: “it was a damn good game, and now we could use all this money to live our lives together.”

I am a rebel of love because it is the only time I play games. I only bet at this poker table. I would give all my heart. I would give any penny I have to give the thrill and the passion to the game, even if it will leave me broke. It would be the only time that an empty pocket would fill up my heart.

Unfortunately, most of the times, the game always ends a bit earlier than planned. The other person doesn’t want to bet, is too scared to bet and finally prefers to stay on the safe side. The game becomes quickly very boring for both parties.

I am a rebel of love because I don’t follow rules but I realize I can’t change the world. I can’t change the mentality of nowadays’ rules of love. You cannot survive if you are the only one being spontaneous, direct, truthful or sincere. I don’t put my heart right there on my sleeve but I don’t hide it when it feels something. At some point, I should reconsider my thinking and position. I might have to stop rebelling. My heart has a limited capacity of accepting full passionnate game too. I might have to slow down from now on.