3 fears come to 1: Numbness

“It was no longer her absence that wounded me, but my growing indifference to it. Forgetting, however calming, was also a reminder of infidelity to what I had at one time held so dear.” (On Love – Alain de Botton)

The biggest fear

Of a romantic lover

Numbness of her heart

Like a blank page

Absolutely nothing

It has been going on for days.

Numbness of her heart

She regrets the days she felt pain

A blank page

Is never funny.

***

The biggest fear

Of a cerebral lover

Absence of communication

Between her brain and her heart

Splitting of command

Rupture of connection

Between her brain and her heart

The brain keeps on ordering: “Stay in love for God’s sake¨”

The heart: “I try to. But I don’t feel anything. I am numb.”

***

The biggest fear

Of a sensual lover

Insensitivity of her skin

Loss of desires

Numbness of her heart

Turns her body

Into wood

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Give me a moment

A Bach concerto for harpsichord.

Maximum of volume.

Rain outside, once again.

I am hypnotized by sadness.

The kind of sadness that empties my brain

And my heart too

I can’t feel anything this morning

I hope it is temporary

This kind of sadness

If I don’t fight back

It will vacuum me to further emptiness

I am not the kind of person

Who can be corroded by sorrows

I will get out of my home now

I will take a walk

I prefer

To be eaten into

Grey landscape outside

Under the rain

Washing my brain

Cleaning my heart

So I can scream to the world again

“I AM READY TO BE BACK IN LIFE”

Heart and brain

How many times we hear that there are reasons why we have two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth and one nose? The logical explanation to that seems to be: observe a lot, listen better, talk less. And…for the nose, well, this one, I don’t know why.

Then comes my question: why one heart and one brain? It makes things complicated instead of simplifying them. Each time we have one semi-emotional, semi-rational dilemma, we face one heart and one brain. A combat with equal armies. If the heart decides, the brain argues back. If the brain is too dominant, the heart dries out. If the heart is always strong, the brain can’t think straight. That is when we spend long white nights waiting for miracles, something which helps us to make reasonable choices, good decisions, something which triggers the decision process and offers a way out. Most of the times, nothing happens. No miracles. Just us, facing the night, with one heart and one brain. None of them wants to lose. That is when we suffer. A lot because we are stuck. We walk back and forth on the same footsteps. The worst human intellectual condition.

Tonight I went through this dilemma. The brain orders to drop it. To let it go. To turn the page. To move on. Not to look back. To stay strong. The brain always has the same speech. Boring but efficient sometimes. The brain knows that it is not worth a dime, a love story like this. The brain thinks it’s time to stop playing the fool. The brain forbids you to bleed, to suffer. No, not again. It’s enough.

The heart is weak. The heart misses the guy. The heart needs stupid sentimental feelings. The heart sees roses and rainbows. The heart wants to build castles in the blue sky. The heart reaches out for memories, for soft words, for old promises. Anything which can soften you even more.

The combat would never end. It just goes on like this for days. You are obsessed with your dilemma. You become sad and irritated. There is no miracle.

So you tell me, we always say that human bodies are so well designed, each organ, each member has its place. One cell goes wrong and you are in trouble. But this brain/heart thing, not sure about it. Not sure that it should be conceived like this. It should not be designed as if it was for an equal game. We sometimes need a little help here. I would vote for 10 hearts one brain or vice-versa. Then we could have a sound sleep no matter what love dilemma we have to deal with.

Don’t you agree?