The sad truth is that certain types of things can’t go backward. Once they start going forward, no matter what you do, they can’t go back the way they were. If even one little thing goes awry, then that’s how it will stay forever.” (South of the Border , West of the Sun – Haruki Murakami)
The process of falling in love with him was a possibility. Not necessarily relevant. But when it comes to love, can we ever talk about relevance.
For a while, my process of falling in love was there. I put it in place. All the feelings were ready to be displayed, to be shown, even to be said. I was constructing my feelings for him like a kid trying to build a sandy castle on the beach, on a sunny day with a light breeze, having time in front of him. The castle would have just been unique and beautiful.
I was constructing my feelings for him. These feelings had a strong flavor of something more than a friendship, just sweet enough to remind of me of what love could be at the very beginning. Yet it was just a decent sweet feeling in a blurry zone, standing somewhere in the thin line between friendship and love. I was building it slowly and slowly. And carefully. Like building a tower of cards. Extremely delicate and fragile. At any time the cards could fall down and the tower could collapse. All those days, I was shivering with fear. Fear of doing something wrong. I was not all the time focused. Sometimes I pulled away, my fingers were hesitating. The cards waiting for me, the tower unfinished.
Then suddenly, the process of falling in love with him was something I could not come through with. I kept thinking about that. Why did I stop? Was the sandy castle of the kid destroyed because a too strong rising tide just swept it away in no time. Or maybe the kid got fed up and wanted to play with something else. Or maybe it was too difficult to continue. I did not know why I suddenly stopped. Maybe it was too challenging to construct a tower with cards, something which could be finally too fragile to keep. Maybe I had no patience, maybe I was not gifted enough for such process.
I had thought about that several times. Then I realized that falling in love with someone might not be a process but it should be something more off-hand and instant. That I don’t have time to think through. Like an evidence. Like winter is cold and summer is warm.
But then I also realized that I wanted to go through this process of falling in love with him so that I could slow down my feelings for him. I was buying myself some time. Because it was evident that I was already falling in love with him. Like an evidence. Like an innocent child. Like a sweet candy bar.
The process of falling in love with him was superfluous. Because the feelings were already there. Certainly between friendship and love. And certainly more than just friendship and more than just love. That was why I was hesitating the whole time. The tower of cards would never be accomplished and the sandy castle probably would be just sand. At some point.