Longing for you
Searching for you
Lost and frozen
Unfound scattered stones
Price of a long-distance love
I look out of the window
From the office
Suddenly a question crosses my mind
Why do I love him even more now than one year ago?
Why do I love him even more now than before?
His absence feeds my fantasies?
Time proves his beauty?
I do love him even more now than one year ago.
I have seen the worst
Will you come home
Before the snow melts
Will you go away
Before summer is back
To know you are the best
I have been with the worst
So I would not mind
You will be where
I am not
Snow for me is always white
And summer for you is always warm
I sound pretty simple
I will love you forever
Luckily you will go away
On a winter day
There will be no sailing
On the sun
There will be no riding
On the rain
Luckily you will go away
On a winter day
When you say goodbye
In the grey clouds
I will get my chance
To be unforgettable
As in despair I will shine
More than all the suns together
Just for you
***If you go away on this summer day
Then you might as well take the sun away
All the birds that flew in the summer sky
When our love was new and our hearts were high
When the day was young and the night was long
And the moon stood still for the night bird’s song
If you go away, if you go away, if you go away
But if you stay, I’ll make you a day
Like no day has been or will be again
We’ll sail on the sun, we’ll ride on the rain
We’ll talk to the trees and worship the wind
Then if you go, I’ll understand
Leave me just enough love to hold in my hand****
The whole day I stared at this landscape outside. I started to think of some resolutions I could make for this year. I could think harder, more or less, it all came to one thing. I have a marvelous lucky life. Last week or even two days ago I was under the sun, on the other continent, being in barefoot, having some tortillas in the streets, speaking in another language, laughing after jokes in another language, talking to people, learning something new from another culture. Today I was sitting here, looking at the grey sky in a deep silence of a lake which just started to befriend with the winter. I could not wish for more luck in my life. I wish things would go on like this forever.
I wish I could be healthy enough in my mind, in my heart, in my body to keep on loving like this past year.
Last night I could not find sleep until 3 in the morning. The snow has melted some days ago and so the rain has taken over ever since. It was raining outside the whole evening. I tried to fall asleep ignoring the repetitive sound of the rain hitting the roof and the windows. My mind wandered. From Thailand to Los Angeles. From one sunny place to another. Where the people whom I care about are right now. My mind wandered back to my place too. People I care about are here too, closer to me. It went on and on like this until very late. I remember in one book Murakami wrote that memories and sensations were usually so uncertain. Memories and sensations to me are so real. As soon as I think of a moment spent with someone who is dear to me, very quickly and spontaneously I can feel with my flesh and blood the prints and sensations of those memories. It always seems like yesterday. Memories and sensations always go hand in hand. I don’t even need to close my eyes to fully remember these moments, the talks, the smiles or the touch. It is always very clear and real to me when I put myself back in memories and pasts.
Yesterday was the same. I could be anywhere. I felt the sand of the beaches. I felt the special light of the day in California. I felt the water of the lakes where I had been last summer. I heard their voices. I heard their laughs. I heard the quiet sound when our days together had come to an end and the days when we were apart.
I could not sleep because all of these memories made me forget the rain outside but kept all my senses awake. Adding to that I let the voice of Audrey Hepburn invading the night, singing “Moon River” to me when I was pretty sure that outside it could be only rain and no moon. Nights like this could bear no moon.