What is left to do…

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I am officially depressed.

What is left to do is to collect all the snow flakes, keep them preciously in a box in a perfect temperature so they cannot melt and give them to you in summer.

What is left to do is to count my footsteps on the snow and be sure that it would be less than a billion of them until I reach you.

What is left to do is to close my eyes and be sure that your shadow will always dazzle in the dark.

What is left to do is to wallow on the snow and be sure that only the heat of my heart can save me from the cold.

What is left to do is to eviscerate myself before the feeling of missing you would empty me anyway.

I am officially depressed or I love you into depression.

How can I know ?

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(Painting of Edvard Munch “The Day After” , National Museum of Oslo)

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Do you love him that much ?

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I take a walk

I distance myself

I protect myself

Not from you

But from me

Winter in me prolongs

Spring in me slows to come

Summer in me is mystery

Your smile cannot get the snow to melt

I look at you and ask myself:

“Do you love him that much?”

I guess the answer is still yes

But why then winter never ends

Do I love you that much?

To not fear winter

To live in no season

In timeless longings

Will you be there to mend

The fragile non-existing spring of my heart?

 

Let me think

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In the past – In the last year I said that loving you is self-redemption. You had saved me. Somehow. In the lost path of mine scattered with insignificant feelings. Then you came. Offering me a new world. Renewing my soul.

This morning I woke up with the most awkward, terrifying thought. Do I still need to love you now that I am self-redeemed, now that I am saved?

Not that I am an ungrateful person. Not that you had saved me then we are almost done. Loving you the last past year had proved to me how capable I could love, how intense I could become when I fell in love.

It made sense to me but then it’s fading. The love and you. So airy. So light. So distant. Suddenly that thought: And if I don’t love you anymore?

Could it be gone the love? Or it is just temporary? Let me think. Usually I don’t think when it comes to love you. Now I have to think to feel. Usually I just feel.

What happened to me ? Is it the cold ? Is it the long winter? Is it because of all the trips far away from home? Is it because I feel so free?

Is it possible that I don’t love you anymore ? Just like that. The self-redemption stays with me forever. Is the love gone ?

Let me think. Let me think. Let me think.

I still want to love you. I just don’t feel it. Today. This damn morning of winter.

White ice

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Another country

Another beauty

A dry cold

Not a soul

Not a sound

Some boats passing by under the fog

My hands were almost frozen

Sometimes I heard in my head the song

You’d sent me in the morning

Most of the times it was me and the silence

The sky was so grey and heavy

If I could catch a ray of sun

I would wrap it in my frozen hands

And sent it to you in a postal letter

In an old way with envelop and stamp

I would like to bring you the flowers of spring

All I could see is white ice

Asking me to offer to you anyway

I would heat up the earth

To have you here and warm

Another country

Another trip

Same love

Same you

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One by one

After a few warm days

Here comes again a cold front

Snow starts to fall

Here I am

Murmuring barely perceptible sounds

Words of love are not supposed to be said

But supposed to be sung

In thousands of language

And whispered

One by one

Like the snow flakes

Brushing against your ears

Words of love

Lightly dancing around you

One by one

Hello

You

I

Love

You

Now

And

Forever

ZH1

I am out of control

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Live the emotions with no further thoughts

Just live the emotions – don’t think

I repeat this to myself thousands times this morning

Don’t overanalyse

I am scared

Reunion with someone who is your everything

After so many months

I am out of control

I feel like having twenty fingers

My stomach hurts but it is not the butterflies

I feel like having three heads

My organs interchange their places

I am out of order

I am out of control

Is love supposed to be that way?

Just live the emotions

Is almost torture

While I am asleep

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Please see for me if he is fine

I will close my eyes

I need to sleep tight

Just for a little while

Please see for me if he is alright

While I am asleep

I cannot think of him

Please think of him for me

Just for a little while

I trust you to be on his side

I don’t need a lullaby

Please take care of him

While I am asleep

And dream and dream

And dream and dream

Of him

Visiting your country

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Visiting your country

Without you

People were cold

They did not smile

Remind me of your smile

Our good times in your country

More sun than snow

Remind me of your warm heart

Different from everyone else

Visiting your country

Without you

Is realizing

Something is

Definitely missing

The kingdom of mine

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In the realm of senses

My body is yours

In the realm of passion

My mind is yours

You told me

Everything is a mental construction

Everything can work out

Everything is mental

I love you

With my mind

I love you

With my skin

What is left

Mental construction is about you

Sensual desire is about you

Few is left

For the rest

I love you

conceptually

physically

inside out

upside down

Realm of senses

Realm of mind

You possess me

Realm of fear

Sometimes