It is always here

Rapperswil

No matter how far I travel

No matter how many strangers I haveĀ  met

This is here my home

It is always here

As it is always you

The beauty elsewhere

The excitement elsewhere

The novelty elsewhere

My distraction could be a second even a minute

It is always here

And it is always you

In the end

Rapperswil1

I trust the sun

jonquille

Powerful yet silken sun

I have found the right words

I have located the exact feelings

I have shaped the exact form

Sun like this

Let me know exactly what I need to know

I love you

Until the last ray of sun

Disappears by the end of the day

I still have a simple certainty

Things between us will always end in laughs anyway

Trust the sun

To dry out the tears

If tears ever come one day

I have found the right words today

I love you

And I trust the sun

 

 

What is left to do…

IMG_4890

I am officially depressed.

What is left to do is to collect all the snow flakes, keep them preciously in a box in a perfect temperature so they cannot melt and give them to you in summer.

What is left to do is to count my footsteps on the snow and be sure that it would be less than a billion of them until I reach you.

What is left to do is to close my eyes and be sure that your shadow will always dazzle in the dark.

What is left to do is to wallow on the snow and be sure that only the heat of my heart can save me from the cold.

What is left to do is to eviscerate myself before the feeling of missing you would empty me anyway.

I am officially depressed or I love you into depression.

How can I know ?

IMG_4900

(Painting of Edvard Munch “The Day After” , National Museum of Oslo)

Do you love him that much ?

IMG_4922

I take a walk

I distance myself

I protect myself

Not from you

But from me

Winter in me prolongs

Spring in me slows to come

Summer in me is mystery

Your smile cannot get the snow to melt

I look at you and ask myself:

“Do you love him that much?”

I guess the answer is still yes

But why then winter never ends

Do I love you that much?

To not fear winter

To live in no season

In timeless longings

Will you be there to mend

The fragile non-existing spring of my heart?

 

My birthday

Today is my birthday

A bit of sun

A bit of clouds

A bit of me

Wiser

A lot of me

Happier

All of me

Older

Sure thing

IMG_4937

PS: In this picture, I had no food for the ducks so when I tried to get closer to them, they just walked away from me. I hope this is not the way I will have to chase for happiness in real life. Exchanging things for happiness ? No – I hope not…;-)

Let me think

IMG_4913

In the past – In the last year I said that loving you is self-redemption. You had saved me. Somehow. In the lost path of mine scattered with insignificant feelings. Then you came. Offering me a new world. Renewing my soul.

This morning I woke up with the most awkward, terrifying thought. Do I still need to love you now that I am self-redeemed, now that I am saved?

Not that I am an ungrateful person. Not that you had saved me then we are almost done. Loving you the last past year had proved to me how capable I could love, how intense I could become when I fell in love.

It made sense to me but then it’s fading. The love and you. So airy. So light. So distant. Suddenly that thought: And if I don’t love you anymore?

Could it be gone the love? Or it is just temporary? Let me think. Usually I don’t think when it comes to love you. Now I have to think to feel. Usually I just feel.

What happened to me ? Is it the cold ? Is it the long winter? Is it because of all the trips far away from home? Is it because I feel so free?

Is it possible that I don’t love you anymore ? Just like that. The self-redemption stays with me forever. Is the love gone ?

Let me think. Let me think. Let me think.

I still want to love you. I just don’t feel it. Today. This damn morning of winter.