You held my hands…

I have been unable to write after this concert with you.

You love the sound of guitar so I chose this concert for you. It was in the Catedral of our city. Saturday night.

You held my hands during the whole concert. When this piece of Piazzolla was played, my hands were in yours. The music of Piazzolla is one of my favorites. I have always loved tango music. It makes me feel melancholic. Sometimes even sad. I have never wished to listen to Piazzolla and my favorite piece “Milonga del Angel” with you by my side. I wanted to post on my blog right after the concert to describe how I felt. Then I could not so I just kept it to myself.

I wish everyone in this world could have the same moment. The Catedral was magical that evening. You touched my hands right after the first piece. And you did not let them go. During the break, you kissed me lightly on my right cheek, then on my hair and my forehead. I posed my head on your left shoulder. You kissed my hands. The two hands. Indifferently, left then right.

You kept my hands after the break. Now they played Bach. The same magic. Or even more. You moved closer to me. Even.

You held my hands that night, the whole night. You did not let me go. We could sleep in a single bed and still had enough space.

I fell asleep in your arms. My hands in yours. I could still hear Piazzolla and Bach. And also your breathe.

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I did it…

I calculate how long it would take to cover your body with kisses.

I would pose my lips on each millimeter of your skin.

Each kiss would last one second.

It would take six hours. At least.

I would not leave out any part of your body.

I would take pleasure in doing it.

I would look at you in the eyes from time to time.

I would smile at you from time to time.

You would let me do it.

You would smile at me.

You would smile at me with your eyes.

You would kiss my hands.

You would return some of my kisses

By kissing me even longer and softer.

This would not be a dream.

As

I did it.

Eight hours.

Between talks.

Laughs.

And love.

I did cover your body with kisses.

Every inch.

You did return my kisses, each of them.

This was not a dream.

In between I remembered saying: I love…

Just “I love…” and no more words

I remembered you saying: “do you…”

And no more words.

This was not a dream.

Birthday’s preparation

“Nobody understands me, except you.”

You wrote me this at 7am this morning. I grabbed my phone at 9am, my eyes half closed and that was the first message of my day. “I totally understand you. And yes, only me”. You said hi to me and you sent me the first song of Charles X “Distracted”. I listened to it and selected another song for you. You commented on it. I commented it back. We chatted for one hour.

Suddenly I felt like saying something more explicit, something like “I miss you”, “I would love to have you in my arms”, or even “I miss your naked body”. We almost never exchanged kinky messages, or very rarely. Most of the time I do not feel especially the need to do it either. I remember you told me once that it was useless to send messages like this when we are apart. Either we can be together and then we do not need these messages, you don’t see the point of sending these messages and get all aroused for nothing. I understand you. Somehow we send the songs and the lyrics mean something to us. The title of the song as well. We carefully choose the songs that we know the other would like. Your style. My style. The lyrics.

Then around noon I received a mail from a friend in Boston. He said that my package arrived yesterday evening. My package is actually your package. Inside the package there are 50 Chinese cookies fortune with 12 personalized messages for your birthday in April. I ordered it from the US and the company did not deliver it in Europe so I asked my friend in Boston to receive it for me and then he will send to me by tomorrow. One of the messages was: “Nobody understands you, except me”. I usually start to think about your birthday present around January. It is always a big deal for me even though you always say that you do not care, it will be just like another normal day. But I always prepared something. The other day you told me that you love the sound of guitar and guitar is the instrument you like most. Then I started to think that I could learn how to play guitar now so that I can play something for you and record it for the next birthday. Yes, it could be a good idea.

My day was nothing exceptional as I still have a lot of back pain so in spite of the beautiful weather I stayed mostly inside and read and thought of you. You wrote to me almost every hour. You had to prepare for the next fight and coach two free fighters. In two days we will be together for a few days. You told me that you will take all the music I like for the trip and we do not need to write to each other that much as we will be completely together.

I don’t need to say out loud “I love you” or “I miss you”. You know it. Every second of your day, your life, you know it. That was why at 7am in the morning you wrote to me, simply “Nobody understands me, except you.”

 

Will you still love me tomorrow ?

Tonight you’re mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment’s pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I’m the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?

I’d like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, and I won’t ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?

 

He thought he did not deserve you. He stepped back so someone else could take his place. For a moment he thought you would be happier like this. He thought you would be better without him and you could build a nice life with someone else. Whatever decision you had made and told him, he accepted without being mad or angry at you. As your best friend, he accepted that you walked away from him.

You have been waiting for him during his trip away from home. He could not offer a conventional couple to you. Even though you did not ask for it. He thought he could not and you could not deal with it. All of these “you thought that I thought”.

He was waiting for you and left you with space. He lets you take him back when you are ready. You had tried with someone else. It did not work out. You have one love and it is HIM. You do not need to explain.

He is there, waiting for you. You open the door and he falls in your arms. He does not say anything and neither do you. You know that in whatever form or shape, you and him would be together this time forever. You are born again. And so is he. You stay in his arms for a long twenty minutes. His head on your shoulder. He squeezes your tiny body with his strong arms. He is beautiful. He smells good. He feels strong. He is strong. You do not look into his eyes. Your legs feel weak. If you look into his eyes, you will faint. Then comes the kiss. The one that defines love. Only by him and you. You feel his lips. You have never been kissed before. You are a virgin. He is your first. This is your first kiss ever. He makes you forget all men who were there before him. Five years ago, you had kissed him for the first time. Each time when your lips touch his, it feels like the first time. He kisses you as if you were his oxygen. Then comes his voice: “It was too long. It was too long. I have waited. I have waited. You can have everything from me, you know that, just ask me.”

And now you look at him. You cannot believe. You think you are dreaming. You look at him. Your love for him is powerful. Your knees are shaking. You fall. He catches you.

“I am poor. I have nothing. I cannot give you much. You know that. If you are with someone else, you  can have a good life. I can wait longer.”

You do not answer right away. You cannot breathe. You fully understand for once the meaning of true love. It is his love for you and yours for him.

“You don’t need to wait. I am here.”

Five years when absence meant nothing to you, challenges were easy, obstacles were insignificant. Five years you have loved him. As a friend. As a best friend. As a lover. As everything you can be. And apparently him too. True love is absolutely beautiful and strange. You can be apart but never separated. In your mind you die with him and your love. You grow old with him. You can live apart or together. This is the most powerful thing you have ever experienced in love.

This morning when you listened to Bryan Ferry’s version of “Will you still love me tomorrow?” , the most beautiful version of this song, you feel cocky because of course he will still love you tomorrow and the day after, and the day after and the day after and in a century time. Like he did these last five years. When you were with him or with someone else.

This morning you stayed longer in bed. You felt warm. Of him inside you. He gives the new meaning to the “making love” words. It all makes sense. You are his virgin. You have never made love with another man before him. There was no men before him and after him. You asked for more. Of him inside you. “You can have everything from me, you know that, just ask me”. He said it once again. You feel your naked body under his strong body. “Say it again please. I want more. I want everything.” He obeyed. You came together. He cried. He is your redemption. You always know that.

Fading away

He told me once the best cure for love is absence. In absence, everything fades away. I believe he is right. Completely right.

I have been in couple for one year and three months. Ups and downs. With faith. Losing faith. Most of the times in sadness more than in joy. I have been struggling. My couple was a sad challenge. But explaining why needs more than one piece of this blog.

During the whole year, my love for him seemed to fade away. Indeed. Or at least I thought so. I have been trying so hard in my couple that all sentiments or feelings I could have for him and which I could call “love” seemed very confused to me. All it counted for me was my couple and my partner. I maintained contacts with “him” but I rarely initiated them. He wrote to me almost everyday. But he knows that I am not free anymore.

I remember I announced to him my intention not to be single or not to wait for him during his times abroad. By e-mail. The last time we saw each other before my decision to be in couple (or to have a boyfriend) I did not tell him the truth. We just spent an evening like any other ones, having dinner together and talked and talked and talked with all the intensity possible that we could not notice anything else than our own energy. I could not find the courage to tell him that. In the night I wrote him a letter, telling him that I would stop the blog and thank him for the inspiration, that finally I had found someone to spend my life with and he could surely understand me as he could not offer me more. I insisted we stayed friends. He was supposed to stay in the country for six weeks before heading back to Asia. The day after my e-mail his mom told me he booked a flight for the next day and shortened the 6 weeks to one week time. I received his answer to my mail from Phuket, he said he understood me and we will always be friend and if I ever doubted about that, he would be very angry.

Since then, he always wrote to me first. Day by day.

I have put all of my energy and efforts and affection, everything I had into my new relationship. My love has faded away ? Or I just hid it somewhere or on hold ? I truly don’t know how to answer this question. My commitment to my couple was real and true and sincere.

One year and three months after I started the blog again. Asking myself where I stand with this love. He is back from his trip. He has not changed. He told me he had never written to anyone else that much and he was still very solitary. He told me he has always felt comfortable when being with me and what he loved most was our evenings together in the past. We never mentioned my couple again. Every night he sent me a song. Sometimes I thanked him. Sometimes not. It has nothing to do with my couple. Or yes, maybe it has everything to do with my couple. Am I happy ? I don’t know. Has my love for him died ? I don’t know. Truly I don’t know.

I am out of control

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Live the emotions with no further thoughts

Just live the emotions – don’t think

I repeat this to myself thousands times this morning

Don’t overanalyse

I am scared

Reunion with someone who is your everything

After so many months

I am out of control

I feel like having twenty fingers

My stomach hurts but it is not the butterflies

I feel like having three heads

My organs interchange their places

I am out of order

I am out of control

Is love supposed to be that way?

Just live the emotions

Is almost torture

I am the worst strategist in dating

Good morning my friends, followers and bloggers,

I am with Norah Jones “I’ve got to see you again” and my first coffee. I am happy to say “good morning” to you. I have something to share.

I am the worst strategist in dating. But oh hell the best “LOVER” – lover as the one who knows how to love. How to love, yes, just that. I am happy, so happy that I have to share with you this morning.

HE is back. He is everything. He is abstract, he is concrete. He is everything I cannot have. He is everything of my dream. He is everything that I don’t want. He is everything that I don’t need. He is the universe, inside my head, inside my heart. Well, you get it. HE IS EVERYTHING. And yes, you get it too. HE IS BACK.

He announced to me that he is here. Let’s forget my sleepless nights since that moment. The idea he is in the same city after all that time. Science fiction for me. Walking on the moon is easier to imagine. Becoming President of the United States is easier to imagine. I don’t even know how I’d survived the last three days.

He is here. How do I do? For months I have heard: “He is so sure about you. He is so sure that you have been waiting. He is so sure that you love him.”. Then now I hear: “If you ask him to see you, he will answer to what you suggest and never need to suggest anything.”. To that, here are my answers. “I love him and if he knows about that and is still there, that means that is ok for both of us”. “Why should I play hard to get? He already GOT me, mind and soul, heart and body”. “I have no game to play, nothing to hide.”

However I just wonder how I could ask him to see me, after all these months absent from home. I guess he is pretty busy. I always know that the “US” is fun, trust, confidence and FRIENDSHIP above all, above love. I feel ME when I am with him. And I don’t see myself being in silence because he said he is home and I will stay in silence, waiting for him to suggest a meeting. And all of this considering I will be away for work the whole month of March.

I wanted to say something in the spirit of the “US”, cool fun and trust. I wanted to welcome him home with my style. I wanted him to know that I care, that I am happy he is home. My last email to him before he landed was all about my work and advices I needed from him, with an ending “with kind regards” as a joke (because mostly I spent time at work writing formal letters to the government and agencies). When he announced to me he was back home, he asked me about the “kind regards” greetings which, he thought, were a bit formal.

As we used to work in the past on questionnaires, surveys, we have joked quite a lot about how we designed and formulated questions. Yesterday I decided to welcome him home with a survey.

1) do you have jet lag? yes – no

2) are you tanned? yes- no

3) are you still handsome ? yes – no

4) you said you are too cold because it’s freezing outside, what would you do to get warmer?

– i would put on warmer clothes

– i would put the heating on maximum level

– i would come to see L. (L = me) to get warmth in her arms

– i would do nothing to change the situation

5) you have learned that L. will be away for 3 weeks, what would you do?

– i would see her this weekend if i am not too busy

– i would see her next week, easy easy !

– i would see her in april, easy easy !

– i would do nothing

– i have headache already !

That was it, the questionnaire, then I ended it with: “Welcome back mi amor !!! (is this still too formal for you ???)

It was me, the questionnaire was me….This is my style…I cannot hide, I don’t want to hide my feelings, I have nothing to hide.

He answered me right away with smileys and smileys and asked for the dates of my trips.

I informed him all the dates, when I am busy and when I am available, stating that my priority is still him.

He asked me to see him tomorrow.

That was the story of me being the worst strategist in dating, in love.

I only know how to be true, to be sincere. When I have something to say, I say it. I don’t try to make myself unavailable, I don’t hide my schedule to be interesting. I am just ME in front of HIM, in spite of all the “you are not a challenge for him, and it’s so easy.”

Who cares anyway if I am not a challenge to the man I love. Because I am not. Why do I need to be a difficult woman to him.

I think I just want to be sincere and generous when I love.

But ok, it makes me the worst strategist in dating. I don’t know how to wait. I don’t know how to play games. I am no good in giving advices in dating, because I am really bad with strategies.

Well, now I have to leave you here. Tomorrow I still need to be beautiful 😉

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