Life in pink sparkling
Life in blue blurry
I see you
In any color
Lovers under the sun
Lovers under the wind
Lovers under the drizzle
Rainbow comes then disappear
Lovers in yellow
Lovers in blue
Lovers in white
Swirling in the change of seasons
She is one of them
She is the lover who holds the rainbow
Standing still and strong
Defying the whirlwind
Offering him serenity
In the color of his choice
Painting “Lovers in blue” by Marc Chagall
Ask her if she prefers the warmth without him
Ask her if she prefers the sun without him
Ask her if she prefers summer 365 days a year without him
Ask her if she prefers the money, the luxury, diamonds and gold without him
The cold is warm with him
The rain is fun with him
The winter 365 days a year is easy to bear with him
With him life is simple
Appearances, superfluous values, materialistic dreams
Nothing counts, nothing matters
She shines with him in no diamonds and gold
With him she can live out of nothing
Like in the old days
When only love is enough
Like the French proverb:
“Living only out of love and fresh water”
Ask her if she prefers…
And the answer is already clear…
“I prefer nothing without him”
But that’s just it.
Painting “Lovers on the bench” of Marc Chagall (1911)
“It’s a terrible story. We worked so hard, so hard, building our world one brick at a time. And when it fell apart, it happened just like that. Everything was gone before you knew it.” (Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami)
She woke up this morning at 4am. Staying in bed she stared at the ceiling and started to think. There are a thousand of reasons that make people leave their partners, the loved ones. The majority of them is linked to the loved one’s personality, to how they had disappointed the other one, to what extent they had hurt the other one. Yes, most of the reasons derive from the actions, the words of the loved ones. Most of the times that is precisely the trigger. The actions, the words, the personality.
This morning she woke up and knew that she was going to leave him. She had never doubted about his personality. She had loved him all these years for that personality. She loved his essence, his philosophy of life. She loved everything he had in him. He had disappointed her more than once. He had hurt her more than once. She accepted him as he is. She knew from the beginning that she had been doomed to love him unconditionally. Nothing that came from him, even the ugliest thing or habit of him, nothing could ever make her fall out of love. It was that kind of certainty of love she had experienced right from the beginning of the story with him.
But today she will leave him. How come? How could she leave him? Has she become insane after one night ? Has she lost her mind? She wants to be generous in love. She wants to love him more. She wants to be free to love him the way she wants. She wants to love him without strategy, without calculation. And she realizes that if she stays, for her love to survive she needs to be misely, to be less generous, to be common. To calculate. To resist. And she really hates it. She will need to jeopardize her whole personality to be with him. She will have to be someone else, someone whom she disregards; someone she will despise.
She had never realized that in spite of his amazing personality in everything in life, he had no capacity of receiving love. In everything else, he was exceptional. In receiving love, he was common and weak. He did not know how to prosper in love. He did not evolve in love. He was not receptive to beautiful gestures and feelings. Accepting him was fine for her. Staying with him and witnessing his insensitivity to love would perish her sooner or later. His space for love was narrow, incongruous. Her love for him was trapped in this narrowness. She felt imprisoned. Her love could not escape. Sooner or later it would become tasteless and common if she would not take care of it. Urgently.
She got out of her bed. She was not different from other people. Finally the reason that made her leave would be the same as that of anyone else. There was something from him. Indeed, this perfect personality. Her soul mate. He seemed to have a defect too. He did not know how to receive her love. Call it clumsiness, immaturity, selfishness, whatever. The fact remains that she could not stay to see their relationship turn into something common. She would never allow such deterioration.
The love will last forever. She knew it. And so do the perfection of this love. Call it dreamer, utopia, unrealistic, immaturity, whatever. That is just how she loves. The only way she knows.
A midnight blue, day and night
I’ve been missing you
I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby
Almost makes me crazy
Come and live with me
Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here
I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter, I tried to make it clear
That you just don’t believe that I’m sincere
I’ve been thinking about you, baby
Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here
I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near
I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby
I want you to live with me
This morning I woke up. Definitely calmer than yesterday. Or at least it was the first impression. As soon as my eyes got the first light of the day from a tiny slit of the shutter, an acute pain squeezed my chest but short, quick pain. I projected myself to the future. Something I have never done for months now. Thinking of the future. The thought of the future. Future that meant to be in five week time. When he will be leaving again. His date of departure has not yet been set. But its certainty is undeniable.
I put on this song of Massive Attack. I just discovered it a few days ago. The song penetrated my skin, soaked into my bones. I felt cold. The voice was groaning and moved me deep. Maybe it was circumstantial but each word was cutting me into pieces. “A midnight blue, day and night I’ve been missing you I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby Almost makes me crazy Come and live with me Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near I want you to live with me “. I could groan in a same hoarse voice mixed with sobs and tears and nobody could distinguish the sadness of the song or that of my soul.
I felt another round of punches. I squeezed tight my pillow, put it over my stomach and wrapped myself, smothered under the blanket. Acute pain, longer, more insistent. He will go away soon. I stayed in the fetus position, my way to protect myself from suffering. For a long while. I could hear the ticking sound of the alarm clock. Like a count-down. Each ticking seemed to count the days left before he is gone again. Each regular ticking sound mixed with the deep regular moaning sound of the song in perfect harmony, sentencing the end of my happiness. For a short while, I had the feeling that I had flirted with a slow death. The feeling of losing him again. Seeing him going away. Again. Seeing him going in another direction, in another part of the world. In this big world we had crossed paths for a second. Just for a second. I heard myself screaming. I screamed the unfairness of life. Of love. Of everything.
The scream lasted with the last note of the song. I disappeared in my large bed. No more sound suddenly. The room fell into silence. But I could still hear my love for him.
I am officially depressed.
What is left to do is to collect all the snow flakes, keep them preciously in a box in a perfect temperature so they cannot melt and give them to you in summer.
What is left to do is to count my footsteps on the snow and be sure that it would be less than a billion of them until I reach you.
What is left to do is to close my eyes and be sure that your shadow will always dazzle in the dark.
What is left to do is to wallow on the snow and be sure that only the heat of my heart can save me from the cold.
What is left to do is to eviscerate myself before the feeling of missing you would empty me anyway.
I am officially depressed or I love you into depression.
How can I know ?
(Painting of Edvard Munch “The Day After” , National Museum of Oslo)
Wilted flowers cover the field
Green leaves falling down from trees
The river empty of water
Dry stones from the bottom
Heavy blue clouds ready to cry
The sad expression of the clown
Children who do not laugh at the circus
Horses at a weak gallop
Eagles with no impetus
Wine tastes like water
Her gaze sweeping emptiness
Her lips still sore of his kisses
Her hero just left
She saw herself roving without gravity
In a disordered
Until the next time
He is back
(Painting of Edvard Munch – Kiss – National Museum of Oslo)
He : “Why do you like writing on the blog?”
She: “Because I need to scream my love for you somewhere otherwise I could suffocate.”
She: “You know that I wanted so much to send you hearts on the Valentine’s day but then I said to myself: No, I should not. Then remember I only sent to you some huge red girly hearts the next morning.”
He: “Why do you think that much? Next time just send me whatever you feel like and whenever you feel like.”
She: “I can write to you everyday, telling things, a lot of things I want to share. Is it too much?”
He: “No, it’s perfect”
She: “Don’t you think I am calmer and more peaceful this year, I think less. Don’t you see that?”
He: “You have always been calm and peaceful, I love the way your positive vibe get to me.”
He: “What are you going to do today?”
She: ” I don’t know yet but I will go to the movie with your mom tomorrow for sure.”
He: “Yes, and doing some lady-stuff as usual, right. But it’s good.”
He: “Do you believe in true love?” (singing along with the music resonated in the room)
She: “Yes, I do. It’s you.”
I have gotten some critics for my last posts, especially about the pure love. Love without expecting, love selflessly, love out of time and reality.
Some critics are that for some people love IS EVERYTHING and if they lose love, they have nothing left.
Some critics are that I have a life elsewhere; work, friends, family so I don’t live thinking love is everything and that I can love without expecting because my life is full with other activities.
Some critics are that I don’t defend women, I don’t stand by women. And because of my way of loving, men could easily deny the responsibilities and leave women in despair.
On the contrary, I do think I am standing firmly on the women’ side. I do think that love IS EVERYTHING but love is not dependency. The coolest thing when you love selflessly and with no expectations is that you will see very quickly how receptive and perceptive is the loved person. You will know very quickly if that person is made for you. Loving someone selflessly is not just to love in emptiness. And this also applies in friendship. Give whatever you can and have. You will see that either the other person is totally perceptive about your feelings and sooner or later, he/she will love you back (even though you do not expect it at the first place), either he/she will not understand and reject you quite quickly. Either way you will know sooner or later.
Loving beyond conventional rules and expectations fulfill you. You are completed by your love. Saying it, feeling it, proving it, always in agreement with your inner self. Don’t write a “I love you” and wait for a “I love you too”. Don’t give and wait for something in return. Just do it when you feel like. If there is no echo at all, the love will fade away somehow (because it is normal, we are normal human being, we are not God, Jesus or Buddha) but you are in peace all the way long. Don’t torture yourself expecting for something to come from the other person. Don’t put your happiness in his/her hand. Treat yourself good and he/she will treat you well too. Love him/her passionately but love yourself more and even more passionately. Don’t give anyone the power to make you happy or complete. Just love without thinking. All the good things will come. Just love and give that love some cool time. Let him/her know you love them. Let them live their love the way they want. Set them free to love you or not. Don’t guess their feelings, don’t second guess their thoughts. Love, do, give, act always FOR YOU. For only you. Just love. Don’t worry. Don’t think more than that.
PS: I particularly like this picture of mine, taken yesterday at a museum in my city. It reflects exactly my state of mind and soul. Me standing on my own, not fragile. Even my shadow seems peaceful. Because I love him exactly the way I describe to you. No more no less.