First love never dies

IMG_4905

“When I fall in love, it will be forever”, Nat King Cole sang it. Probably true.

When you fall out of love, when you break up, when you stop seeing the other person, have you always thought that this person is out of your life forever? Or at least at that moment, you THINK that you are done with him/her. The story is over. The explanations are said. Then you move on with our life. You forget about him/her. Years go by, time passes by. You think of them sometimes. A scarce thought. Sometimes when you have time you even ask where they could be, what they would become, if they were happy in their lives. Sometimes you even wish to have a chance to see them again for a coffee and catch up. But mostly, you think that falling out of love with that person is a “done business”.

Have you ever experienced this? Suddenly you have news from them. Out of a sudden. And for a moment the person is back in your life, just as if you had never fallen out of love or left him/her. Suddenly every single thing you had lived with them is back again. All your memories with them are vivid, it was like yesterday. It was like you had always loved them. And they had always been part of your life, after all these years and you just need a trigger to put back together all the pieces of memories and puzzles inside your head. You run to the cellar and start to dig into your huge dusty old box with all his/her letters and read them all again. You don’t have the feeling of falling in love with them again. You have the feeling that you have never stopped loving them. That’s the funniest thing.

You see yourself again, like in a movie scene, when you had a huge fight together in the street, in January, you were in pajama, barefoot, freezing cold, and then after that fight you got a serious pneumonia for a month. You see yourself in that passionate love in your twenties. Sharing the first nice dinner out which was by the time a nice pizzeria because you just had enough money to go out for a fancy pizza when you were seventeen. Sitting in the cellar with all the dusty letters in fading ink you let yourself float together with these memories. You realize that you have loved a few times after that but surprisingly your other loves always have something exactly like this person you once loved deeply.

When you fall in love, it will be forever, probably true.

They are never completely out of your life if they were once important to you. The ones who had counted. They never really disappear. They somehow are always there. Of course there are only very few of them. For me it was just one. My first love. First love never dies. No matter how. It has just been stored somewhere in my heart. The old box of letters will stay in the cellar. I leave it there. I read all the letters once again. I don’t miss any details. I remember everything. First love does not die. It just rests.

Advertisements

The love that is not a cliché

IMG_4812

I don’t mind if you say no

I say yes for both of us

I don’t mind if you are not there

I am there for both of us

I invent a new language

I reverse the time zones

I make rain

I make blue sky

I bring water to the desert

I plant flowers on the volcano

I move the mountains

For you

A cliché ?

No no no

Not a cliché

I fashion the world at your taste

I bribe God

To get you the best of the best

Morning scream in music

IMG_4879

A midnight blue, day and night
I’ve been missing you
I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby
Almost makes me crazy
Come and live with me

Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here
I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near
I wrote you a letter, I tried to make it clear
That you just don’t believe that I’m sincere
I’ve been thinking about you, baby

Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here
I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near

I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby
I want you to live with me

This morning I woke up. Definitely calmer than yesterday. Or at least it was the first impression. As soon as my eyes got the first light of the day from a tiny slit of the shutter, an acute pain squeezed my chest but short, quick pain. I projected myself to the future. Something I have never done for months now. Thinking of the future. The thought of the future. Future that meant to be in five week time. When he will be leaving again. His date of departure has not yet been set. But its certainty is undeniable.

I put on this song of Massive Attack. I just discovered it a few days ago. The song penetrated my skin, soaked into my bones. I felt cold. The voice was groaning and moved me deep. Maybe it was circumstantial but each word was cutting me into pieces. “A midnight blue, day and night I’ve been missing you I’ve been thinkin’ about you, baby Almost makes me crazy Come and live with me Times, nothing’s right, if you ain’t here I’ll give all that I have just to keep you near I want you to live with me “.  I could groan in a same hoarse voice mixed with sobs and tears and nobody could distinguish the sadness of the song or that of my soul.

I felt another round of punches. I squeezed tight my pillow, put it over my stomach and wrapped myself, smothered under the blanket. Acute pain, longer, more insistent. He will go away soon. I stayed in the fetus position, my way to protect myself from suffering. For a long while. I could hear the ticking sound of the alarm clock. Like a count-down. Each ticking seemed to count the days left before he is gone again. Each regular ticking sound mixed with the deep regular moaning sound of the song in perfect harmony, sentencing the end of my happiness. For a short while, I had the feeling that I had flirted with a slow death. The feeling of losing him again. Seeing him going away. Again. Seeing him going in another direction, in another part of the world. In this big world we had crossed paths for a second. Just for a second. I heard myself screaming. I screamed the unfairness of life. Of love. Of everything.

The scream lasted with the last note of the song. I disappeared in my large bed. No more sound suddenly. The room fell into silence. But I could still hear my love for him.

What is left to do…

IMG_4890

I am officially depressed.

What is left to do is to collect all the snow flakes, keep them preciously in a box in a perfect temperature so they cannot melt and give them to you in summer.

What is left to do is to count my footsteps on the snow and be sure that it would be less than a billion of them until I reach you.

What is left to do is to close my eyes and be sure that your shadow will always dazzle in the dark.

What is left to do is to wallow on the snow and be sure that only the heat of my heart can save me from the cold.

What is left to do is to eviscerate myself before the feeling of missing you would empty me anyway.

I am officially depressed or I love you into depression.

How can I know ?

IMG_4900

(Painting of Edvard Munch “The Day After” , National Museum of Oslo)

What would make me happy a day like this ?

What would make me happy a day like today?

It is so dark outside and the snow is falling again. This winter is terrifying. I had a bad lunch that hurt my stomach for hours. I had a lesson of harpsichord, my fingers were stiff. The piece was all about the beginning of the romantic era and I could not play it with stormy feelings. My teacher told me that I was cold today. Truth is I was a bit lack of sleep, lack of vitamines, lack of sun. Monday is always tough. And a German class is waiting for me this evening. Nothing really fancy today, really.

What would make me happy a day like today ?

I would love to run on the beach, feeling sand in between my toes. I would love to feel sun on my face. I would love to have a good vietnamese soup prepared by my grandmother. I would love to sing tonight in a karaoke bar, maybe just to spend my energy, move my voice. I don’t know.

What would make me happy right now?

I would love to be hold in his arms and hear his laugh, listen to his music, watch Youtube endlessly with him and laugh on silly things.

I want sun, I want beach, I want vietnamese food but most of all I want him. Nothing has much changed since the last 24 hours.

He is the sun, he is the beach, he is the vietnamese food, he is the song I want to sing. He is the piece of Bach I want to play. He is the stormy feeling I want to express. He is all the Mondays I will like if he were here.

Nothing alien

IMG_4771

“You said you’re going far away. How far away are we talking about?”
“It’s a distance that can’t be measured.”
“Like the distance that separates one person’s heart from another’s. (IQ84 – Haruki Murakami)

Do you hear her screaming?

Do you feel her fear?

Do you hear her crying?

Do you feel her suffocating?

Penetrating screams

Convulsive warm tears

In her dream

Aliens abduct her love

He says goodbye and gets in the vessel

It was just a dream

Just a dream

That meant nothing

So why all the screams and tears and breathless fainting

She loves him

The kind of love

That abducts her life

That gets into her bones and skin

At night

That kind of love

Nothing alien

So real it is

Makes her breathe

Leaves her breatheless

That kind of love

Nothing alien

So true it is

Laurence anyways

156233_445021915514187_361463324_n

Sunday evening – The last few days I thought that spring has finally shown up – I went to see a movie of the young Canadian director Xavier Dolan – “Laurence anyways”. Laurence is a high school teacher in Montreal, he writes poems, loves his girlfriend Fred and has a secret. Laurence feels like a man trapped in a woman’s body and the day he decides to share his deep secret to Fred, their exceptional love falls apart as Fred cannot stand the idea of seeing Laurence in a dress and with high heels. The movie is powerful in showing these struggling lovers, even though loving each other terribly, still cannot save their love. Laurence could not make Fred understand that his desire of being a woman has nothing to do with his love for Fred. Fred leaves Laurence, gets married, has a child. The movie is masterly directed. The soundtrack with music of the 90s gives goosebumps. Laurence never forgets Fred. He comes back to her twice but in vain. In the end he is beautiful as a woman but the expression of his face shows so much of suffering of the lost love.

It was unbearable to watch.

I got out of the movie theatre. I was with his mother. Spring was illusion. It started to snow again. It was cold once again. We said goodbye in the bus. I got out at another stop. We did not talk a lot in the bus. The movie was still in us. I believe.

I think of him.

I think of the love for him. On the bus.

I love his forehead. I love his eyebrows. I love each of his eyelashes. I love his left ear, his right ear. Swollen because of the fights. I love his chin, his lips, his twice-broken nose, his three-day beard with some grey parts. I love his arms, his forearms, his elbows, his tattoos. I love his hands, his fingers, dry because of the winter. I love his scars. I love each detail of him.

I love him like Laurence loves Fred in the movie. Like everything.

But exceptional love can be lost. As in the movie.

And as yesterday was spring and tonight is snow.

So I love him in no illusion.

An exceptional love in no illusion. tumblr_mby9mvnD4a1qi6bpc

In a nonfunctional universe

IMG_4885

Wilted flowers cover the field

Green leaves falling down from trees

The river empty of water

Dry stones from the bottom

Heavy blue clouds ready to cry

The sad expression of the clown

Children who do not laugh at the circus

Horses at a weak gallop

Eagles with no impetus

Wine tastes like water

Her gaze sweeping emptiness

Her lips still sore of his kisses

Her hero just left

She saw herself roving without gravity

In a disordered

Nonfunctional universe

Until the next time

He is back

(Painting of Edvard Munch – Kiss – National Museum of Oslo)

Love’s dialogues

481975_10151525919443838_1002389003_n

He : “Why do you like writing on the blog?”

She: “Because I need to scream my love for you somewhere otherwise I could suffocate.”

***

She: “You know that I wanted so much to send you hearts on the Valentine’s day but then I said to myself: No, I should not. Then remember I only sent to you some huge red girly hearts the next morning.”

He: “Why do you think that much? Next time just send me whatever you feel like and whenever you feel like.”

***

She: “I can write to you everyday, telling things, a lot of things I want to share. Is it too much?”

He: “No, it’s perfect”

***

She: “Don’t you think I am calmer and more peaceful this year, I think less. Don’t you see that?”

He: “You have always been calm and peaceful, I love the way your positive vibe get to me.”

***

He: “What are you going to do today?”

She: ” I don’t know yet but I will go to the movie with your mom tomorrow for sure.”

He: “Yes, and doing some lady-stuff as usual, right. But it’s good.”

***

He: “Do you believe in true love?” (singing along with the music resonated in the room)

She: “Yes, I do. It’s you.”

Whether you like it or not…

IMG_4932

The most amazing thing of all existing things is him. No matter how far I want to get away from him. No matter how close to him I want to come back.

What can I say?

There are people who don’t need to do anything to change your life. Their existence only already means the whole world to you. Whether you like it or not. You spend time with them and the next day you wake up, realizing that the rest of your life will be only days of boredom without them. You have some difficulties to understand whether it is a good thing or a bad thing to be under that much influence. Whether you are scared or not, you cannot run away from this fact. You can shut down your mind for a moment, you decide not to think of them for a while, you can do whatever you want, you just cannot escape.

You look out of the window, the buildings usually obstructing the view disappear under your eyes and make room for a beautiful sky. What do they have these people ? What do they give? What do they have that make them that special? Are they even aware of their power ? The times you spend with them become the most memorable times in your life. The music you listen to with them become the most meaningful music ever. Whether you like or not. There is nothing you can do about that. Something just pushes you to go to the edge. You just need to get there. With them in your mind. Whether you like it or not, you experience from heaven to hell one minute from another. You know that you have reached your limits and the point of no return. But you cannot do anything about that. The love for them that you carry with you becomes part of you, like oxygen. You don’t survive if you quit. You don’t survive if you give up. You pray you will never get hurt.

You look out of the window. You wish you could forget them. Fall out of love. At the same time, you wish there could be a thousand more of people like them, to brighten the world. And that kind of contradiction keeps you moving everyday. Good days you smile with that idea. Bad days you accept the fact. Bearing them as bearing life. Light and heavy. Great and tough. Yet essential.