“I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.” (Sputnik Sweetheart – Haruki Murakami)
These few words of Murakami speak for me. The last few days I hardly think. I am not myself. I feel empty but in a good way. With my head empty. It rarely happened to me. Empty of thoughts and feelings. Empty even of love. I don’t feel anything special at all. Until yesterday night, actually this morning at four in the morning, I could not sleep and went through his blog. One song particularly filled myself with nostalgia, some kind of sadness. Emptiness was replaced with a sensation of loss. His blog was the same as usual, some beautiful songs. Lately I did not check his blog anymore. I think somehow we had lost each other on the way to find building our relationship or friendship. I think somehow I had dropped all efforts to make it work for him and me. But this song “Crazy” sung by Patsy Cline posted on his blog had touched me deeply. It was indeed a painful feeling to lose a friend. Or not to lose a friend but not to be able to find a decent way to connect with him anymore. Some call it life. Some call it incompatibility of moods or personality, or whatever words I try to find to define what was going on between us, it was just superfluous and meaningless. And the distance between us seemed not only distance but also coldness and indifference. Some people are just not made for me and I just need to accept that and let go.
Here is the song that makes me think about our friendship. This friend who is no longer close to me.
“Crazy, I was crazy for trying…”
Crazy, I don’t miss him anymore. These words once written here put me back into emptiness. This friendship, like a flake of snow, so fragile, has very quickly disappeared, hardly one ray of sun had dared to caress it.
The voice of Patsy Cline resonates in my head. But that is all I had kept from this friendship.