Thoughts during turbulences

photo-63Last night I flew from Atlanta to my city. The flight for once was empty. One day before the last day of the year, people stayed still and traveled less? But during the night we went through some tough turbulence. Somewhere above ocean or land. I did not even know. Probably the ocean.

I took a blue pill – a kind of sleep aid I bought in one of those shops at the airport. It is the only thing which helps me sleep, with no addicted effect. At least I think so. However the pill was not powerful enough so as soon as I felt a strong shake, I woke up.

Some rougher turbulence came more repeatedly. For a second, I got a bit worried. My first thought – I asked myself when the last time I’d told you “I love you” was. Then came my second thought – I asked myself whether I’d told you enough about my love. And then my third thought – Had I told you how huge my love was. At each question I believed I did not have a clear answer.The turbulences went on for some more minutes. After that I did not remember anything else than my sleep. Like in a dream. But I was assured somehow, I did remember that whatever had I said or done about that love, you would probably have known by now. I remember I could not handle the weight of my eyelids any second further, I closed my eyes and surrendered my fatigue. I fell asleep again, thinking I would tell you all of that sooner or later. Above the ocean or on the land. Somewhere on this earth and in this life.photo-62

** The sculpture on the left is called ” Pensando en ti” (Thinking of you) of Jose Kuri Brena

*** The sculpture on the right is called “Serenidad” (Serenity) of the same artist

(Museum of Modern Art in Mexico city)

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In Tulum I have learned to miss you less

photo-58Last week I was in Tulum, Mexico. I touched base with nature and earth. Only me, the infinitely desert beaches and some palm trees. Mornings arrive early in Tulum. At five in the morning, I already found myself lost in the blue sky, barefoot in the sand, following the curves of the horizon, listening to my usual music. Then, nights come early in Tulum. At eight in the evening, there were only me and the sound of waves.

In Tulum, I have learned to live with an empty mind and simplicity. Simplicity in my heart, simplicity in my smiles to the warmhearted people around me. I have learned to live in the dark of the night, with no electricity in my bungalow. I fell asleep sometimes thinking of you and surprisingly, most of the time not.

In this simple life my soul has found peace, more than usual. In this simple life, I have learned to not miss you. Not to be obsessed by your absence.

In Tulum of quietness, I have learned to miss you less in order to love you more. Like the waves, these feelings of missing you came abruptly, hit me strongly then go away as quickly as they could. Somehow predictable like when I was standing at the beach and waiting for the waves to come and get me. I swallowed these waves or they swallowed me. I did not know. The difference did not matter. Then again, things came back to normal. Calm and quiet. Like the mornings. Like the nights in Tulum.photo-59 I have learned to write to you less than usual.

I have learned to miss you less than usual.

I was renewed.

In Tulum.

In order to love you more

Back here at home.photo-61

Tomorrow I go and get the sun for you

Tomorrow I go and get the sun for you

I will go and get enough of everything for you

Things you need and things you don’t need

They say the world will end tomorrow

Why should I care?

Why should I believe?

Bear in me the eternity

The beauty, the serenity

The day we met

Tomorrow I go and get the sun for you

The world should not end that way

I just need a few more time

To bring this sun to you

My lovely eternity

Beauty, serenity

Our way

I did it my way

This past year

Turned out alright

No regrets I have had

Not even a few

I did it my way

Stubborn I was told

Judgments I did not mind

You inspired me

In courage

Your unique philosophy of life

One backpack

Multiple trips

We did it our way

This past year

Mine about love

Yours  freedom

You inspired me

Love combined with freedom

My soul has grown

Not even you can imagine

I am your disciple

In my love and your freedom

Late night with no moon

Last night I could not find sleep until 3 in the morning. The snow has melted some days ago and so the rain has taken over ever since. It was raining outside the whole evening. I tried to fall asleep ignoring the repetitive sound of the rain hitting the roof and the windows. My mind wandered. From Thailand to Los Angeles. From one sunny place to another. Where the people whom I care about are right now. My mind wandered back to my place too. People I care about are here too, closer to me. It went on and on like this until very late. I remember in one book Murakami wrote that memories and sensations were usually so uncertain. Memories and sensations to me are so real. As soon as I think of a moment spent with someone who is dear to me, very quickly and spontaneously I can feel with my flesh and blood the prints and sensations of those memories. It always seems like yesterday. Memories and sensations always go hand in hand. I don’t even need to close my eyes to fully remember these moments, the talks, the smiles or the touch. It is always very clear and real to me when I put myself back in memories and pasts.

Yesterday was the same. I could be anywhere. I felt the sand of the beaches. I felt the special light of the day in California. I felt the water of the lakes where I had been last summer. I heard their voices. I heard their laughs. I heard the quiet sound when our days together had come to an end and the days when we were apart.

I could not sleep because all of these memories made me forget the rain outside but kept all my senses awake. Adding to that I let the voice of Audrey Hepburn invading the night, singing “Moon River” to me when I was pretty sure that outside it could be only rain and no moon. Nights like this could bear no moon.

In a kiss

“Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me.”

I probably still haven’t completely adapted to the world,” I said after giving it some thought. “I don’t know, I feel like this isn’t the real world. The people, the scene: they just don’t seem real to me.”

Midori rested an elbow on the bar and looked at me. “There was something like that in a Jim Morrison song, I’m pretty sure.”

People are strange when you’re a stranger.” (Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami)

What we did

I would do it again

You feel the pressure

Of the big day

Priorities, duties

They ask you to perform

They ask you to say it right

Figuring out your next step in life

I am not them

I ask you nothing

There is no right or wrong

What we did

I would do it again

You feel confused

In a kiss

Never mind

We are not them

Or maybe we are

Maybe we will be the talk of the town

Maybe nobody cares

In a kiss

Anything could happen

In a kiss

Out of reality

It could last or not

No pressure

No harm

In a kiss

In this “cruel” world of dating

I have a sweet girlfriend who was torturing herself the last few days, trying to find out whether she would text a colleague to ask him out, as he had written to her several mails and texts. She asked me almost every day what she should do and if she writes to him, how the tone of the text message would be and in which frequency she should answer to him, etc and etc. She indeed asked herself a lot of questions as relating to the “behaviors and rules” in dating.

I am no expert in dating. And I usually don’t write about dating advices or hints on this blog because I only want to write about love in an absolute form, rather than about dating, which is more “down to earth” and more “tactical” to me. But as my friend asks questions, and a lot, it makes me think.

Yes, I think I do have a rule in dating. HONESTY. Yes, to be honest and to be yourself. In the “cruel” world of dating. My rule is the NO-RULE. I answered to my friend: “If you want to write to him just do it. If you want to text him right away after his texts, just do it. In the evening, if you feel like writing him a mail, just to do it.” You cannot go wrong if you always do things in complete agreement with yourself. Because in the end, all you ever did is to really act as you has felt, with no games and with honesty. Because in the end, all people could feel in you, in your texts, in your mails is your honesty. I told her not to think too much, not to torture herself with some strategies. The truth is always the best way to get closer to someone and it also gives the other person the possibility either to come closer to you or to reject you. The sooner you know it, the better.

I remember I met a man who now is a very good friend of mine. We had a thing going on for a while. And at the time, he said something that I really liked: “Truth is great because even if it can hurt sometimes. When someone tells you the truth, he does a favor to you. Knowing is the best thing it can happen to you.” He also told me something that I liked even more: “If you want to write to me every day and several times, just do it. If you miss my mails, just tell me. If you want me more, just tell me so. Don’t worry about how I would feel. Believe me, I can handle. If I don’t want any of them, I will tell you the truth too. Just be yourself all the way long. You will never be disappointed with yourself when you are honest. Don’t worry about me and how I would react when receiving your words. Don’t build assumptions based on your own thoughts and analyses“

Since then I was even more honest. I never regret any of my words or acts. I did everything with sincerily and selflessly. The best thing about it is I have gotten to know the best people, people who are like me and who can handle my words, my mails, my intentions, without being scared.

My girlfriend finally wrote to her colleague to invite him out for a movie. She said she appreciated him. She was really sincere. He stayed silence for a while and then answered to her that he only wanted to flirt with her and had no intentions to go for a movie with her, and he had a hard time to decide whether he wants a woman in his life or not.

She was disappointed for a few days but glad that finally she knew. It saved her time and energy. Her being honest was contagious. Her colleague became honest too. And that is such a good thing in the “cruel” world of dating.

You have to do it yourself

You are lost

The world is rude to you

Love forgets you

No aim

No shelter

Only your adventurous soul survives

You are tired

Come back to me with no hope

You close your eyes

Dream of us

In another world

In this one

Nothing works

One moment of peace you ask for

Lie on the sand with me

Drink to the horizon

By me you can stay

As long as you want

My love has left you

I protect you

The other ways

But I can’t build a new world for you

Lie on the sand with me

And breathe

Let your pain go away

By me you can stay

And cry

But do it for yourself

Because I can’t do it for you

I protect you

With my old love

But I can’t build a new world for you