Christmas time and friendship

The last few days I was busy but in a positive way. It is always like this near Christmas time. Getting together with some friends whom I had not seen a lot lately. Last Saturday I went out for brunch at noon and only headed home around midnight as during the whole afternoon, I ran into some friends downtown. We ended up Christmas shopping, enjoying mulled wine, listening to kids singing Christmas carols, and also trying some make-ups. Totally unplanned journey but it was more than nice.

These last few days, I communicated a lot with MD, my sweetest friend aka my guardian angel. We tried to find a date to celebrate his birthday which is on the 24th of December. Also I received regularly mails from the man I loved. It is pure happiness in an easy way. His mails arrive telling me his daily life with smiles and jokes, with songs and movies he shares.

Also yesterday a very dear friend of mine from my hometown came in the city for work and we had lunch together. It felt so good to speak to him in French, my mother-tongue language. Gosh, I have missed it. Then another sweet friend asked me if she could come visit me the next weekend. Of course I said yes. In the evening I went to the opera in which a friend of mine sang. Again I ended up having a drink with my friend and some people in the choir and learning a bunch of things about opera singers.

I arrived home very late at night. I actually walked home and enjoyed the streets with no traffic. I realize that these last days I took life as it came. Spontaneously. I was pretty much contemplating life too. Things are easy when we let them come and flow. I realize that I had known a person whom I consider as a friend but who never gives me any access to his life in order to reach a certain level of trust and friendship. When everything goes easily with other people, I just realize that this person finally had resisted me all the way long and whatever I had tried to do to reach out for him and to give substance to our relationship, it seems like throwing salt in the sea. With him, I was facing a big wall.  This is the only person with whom I feel like I am not trusted and I am not liked. When I look at all my other friendships, I realize that I could probably do nothing about this new person/friend.. I cannot force the access. I just have to accept or let it go. But I also realize that there is nothing better than time to know someone. It is not possible to compare a two-month friendship to a 20-year friendship with my best friend or with MD or with the man I love. I know them so well because I had shared and lived so many things with them. Time is precious to friendship.

Anyway I like this period of time around Christmas. I like connecting with old friends again. And taking life easily with lights, Christmas carols, mulled wine and laughs. And letting go people who don’t trust me or don’t want me in their lives. Holding no grudge. Wishing them well anyway.

Remembering Phuket

I am glad I discovered the blog suhailabjj.wordpress.com, a fresh and cute blog of a 22 years old SouthAfrican girl who is a kindergarten teacher, starts Jiujitsu in Phuket to get out of her comfort zone and who likes cupcakes. I am thankful that you shared her blog to me because when I read hers it brings me right to you. Without any efforts.

It reminds me of Phuket. Nai Harn beach, Kata beach, Phuket town and those nice bars with live music where you can ask the singer to sing your favorite song, those roundabouts  with crazy traffic, the market and the food in the streets. And even Patong with its very bad reputation has its charm. I remember when I saw an italian restaurant with your name, and I went on scooter for an hour looking for it again to take a picture just to show it to you. I remember how I like so much the banana trees and the blue sky matching perfectly with the blue of the swimming pool. Life in Phuket, hectic in noise and dust but oh well, so cool and no pressure. Now when you tell me where you are, where you have been, I can picture your places because I have been there too. It is such a good thing you had chosen to be there.

Traveling makes us rich. You know it and I know it too. I am glad you could make this trip. And you are happy. Because seeing you happy is the most important thing for me. The distance seems nothing to me as long as we share what we live. As long as I can catch up with blogs such as the one of Suhaila.

This morning I am all about Phuket. I would not mind a bowl of rice and shrimps dipped in some delicious red curry sauce. I would not mind a “live” hello of yours or a smile telling me to take life easy, which I do.

This morning I am all about Phuket and every morning I am all about you.

I’m not in love

Waking up at home

Slept twelve hours last night due to Chicago jet lag

Saturday with still a bit of sun

How lucky we are

I chose this song for today

“I’m not in love”

The title is not adequate

The song is great

I am in love

How lucky I am

On this Saturday already noon

A world within and apart

People keep on asking me why I did not stop loving him. What impedes me to get out of a relationship like this one? Most of the times I did not answer but just smiled. A few times I answered and said something. “Just because…”. How could one know why he/she stays in love or in a relationship? I could name a thousand of reasons to not love him and to not be there for him. Then it might just be one reason to stay as it is and keep on giving him all I have. And this reason is enough, at least for me at the moment. I don’t love to be loved back. I don’t give to receive. When I talk to him from far away, I don’t need any reason to persuade me to be there for him, probably forever.

But there might be something. There is something in him that draws me deeper and deeper into this relationship. This something is particular and unpredictable. He is different from the others. He never acts like anybody else. In certain situations, when people act cold, he is warm. When people get mad, he smiles and accepts. When I think he is mad at me, he is there. When I think he would definitely push me away because I was annoying, he holds me back.

There might be clearly something. Certainly the feel of his hands and his eyes over me. I had never felt such touch and emotion. It was very different from any other touch of hand that I have ever known. His gaze also was very different especially when we talked to each other, when he looked at me in the morning. As if he wanted to see through my soul. When he touched me, he created a parallel world for the two of us, a world within the world we live in with other people. A world in which everything was possible. If you wish for wings to fly, you could have them. If you wish for dreams to come true, they will. Anything. You close your eyes, wish for something in our world and you have it. This was the way he looked at me. In a way that all “maybe” and “probablys” could easily become “certainlys”.

If you ask me once again why I stay in love with him, I think I could give you this approximate answer. Because I still want to travel to this place he created for me and for him. I still want to explore it. As long as I see myself in this place with him, I will stay in love. Even though he is not with me everyday. This world was already there, waiting for me. I just could not move on without getting there first. He might be there. He might not. He had already given me his words:

“whatever we would become one day, whatever shape our relationship would take, we will stay connected”

Certainly in OUR place. Where else ?

Christmas is approaching

In the USA, there is Thanksgiving tonight. A tradition with no great importance over here in Europe. But I can feel the emotions and the family touch this evening. On Facebook, my friends put on their status: “Happy Thanksgiving to all.” It sounds familiar to me. I feel close to them.

In my city, downtown this evening was over-crowded. There was a parade celebrating the Christmas lightening. Shops were opened till late, shop owners offered warm mulled wine mixed with cinnamon and ginger. The lights were on, everywhere and the magic was there. I don’t specially like Christmas time but I had to admit, Christmas lights just like fireworks, it is impossible not to like and not to find them beautiful. For a second, I just happened to be a kid again, all excited with the colors of the lights and the smell of cinnamon coming from the wreathes made of dried flowers and fruits.

In other places it is still warm with sunshine all year long. Where you are precisely it is now summer with sandy beaches. Christmas will be in a different atmosphere where you are probably. I saw the video you had sent to me earlier on your Jiu Jitsu club. It was not long and I recognized you in the video. Just for one or two seconds. Not more than that. I imagined easily the place where you are right now. I envy the warmth, the sunshine which can reach your skin. I envy your sparring partners, I envy your teachers, those who can hear you laugh everyday. But I don’t lose hope, I guess soon it is gonna be my turn too. To hear you laugh. Even if it would probably not be in a place with summer time and sun. It would still be paradise.

Tonight it feels like Christmas is approaching.

From here, from there. From here I am. From there where you are.

Tonight I miss you. In peace.

Jiu Jitsu & Everything Else

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The price of love

“Loving another person is a wonderful thing, and if that love is sincere, no one ends up tossed into a labyrinth. You have to have more faith in yourself.” (Norvegian Wood – Haruki Murakami)

I wish someday you could find a home where I live. You would come back, with all your luggage and stay. You would be tired of these countries, more exotic, more exciting than the one of you and me. You would find your way back to us. Your home would be with me or not, but the dust and the sensation of freedom from all of your trips, you could always keep them. Your wings would be forever yours and you could always walk away again. When boredom catches up with you and your wings needs to fly. In the meantime, I would still welcome you to my place, to my heart. We would still walk through our Old Town, hand in hand. This energetic way of yours when holding my hands. We would still chill out on the couch and listen to some music. This poetic way of yours when looking at me in music. We would still kiss all nights. This passionate way of yours when kissing me. You would rest before a new trip. You would find your way out once you had given me all you had.

I love you because you could never be kept in one place, just for me. I love you because exactly I could only see you with wings and dust. It is the kind of love which could not see you daily in our home. For that kiss to be forever passionate, for that gaze to be forever intense, for that embrace to be forever warm, I need to set you free. I would stay right in front of the porch, seeing you walking away, waiting for you to come back. My whole life. Not once, my love has changed. Not once, you have changed. Your body and soul would be the incarnation of freedom, accessible to me every once in a while, but in the most powerful and exquisite way. It is the price that I accept to pay. I would not prefer to love you another way.

Keep it simple

We got to get back to something simple just to save yourselves
Well got to get back to something simple just to save yourselves
Well you got to keep it simple, keep it simple just to – and that’s that

Whoa you got to keep it simple nowadays and that’s just that
Whoa you got to keep it simple nowadays and that’s just the way it is
And you got to keep it simple these days ‘cos that’s the way it is

Well you got to keep it, keep it simple and that’s that

Keep it simple

You don’t know when you are coming home

Let’s keep it simple like this song

I don’t know what is next

Let’s keep it simple

Let this love flows

Let this love grows

In spite of all

I don’t know what to do next

I guess I will wait for you

Til you come home or not

Let’s keep it simple

Let’s not change anything

Let’s not change it to a fling

Because this love is my thing

Infatuation vs. Love

I was attracted to this man for a while. I wrote to this man for a while. We wrote to each other for a while. But then suddenly somehow I ended up writing only common stuff, observing myself becoming superficial with him. The feelings were gone even though I had several times tried to look for them, carefully with my soul and my heart. The words and the feelings could not connect anymore. I wrote empty letters which were less than nothing. It happened and I did not even know why. I guess like everything, things come and go, feelings too. Especially infatuation. It can never equal love and true love. Yes, I felt for him a certain infatuation, which cannot last without proximity and sharing.

I often ask myself what is the real difference between attraction, infatuation and love. I now have the answer. With true love, you go through silence, separation, loneliness and nothing ever changes. The love is deeply anchored in you. You carry this love with you, walking through darkness sometimes, bearing the loneliness in times apart, but it is just still there. All your mind and soul and body just bear the love, powerfully and imperturbably. Silence never means emptiness. Words make sense. Separation survives distance. You connect no matter how, no matter where, no matter what.

Infatuation fades away very quickly once the physical contact is no more there. Love goes far beyond the touching, the talking, the meeting. Those wonderful feelings of love, you stand there by yourself and feel them all, carry them all inside you. Infatuation is nothing in comparison. Barely a sensation of lust.

I had experienced several times infatuation but had loved not more than twice in my life. I guess that was all the difference.

 

Saying goodbye to Chicago

The hotel lobby empties little by little

Noises fade away

Shaking hands

Kissing goodbye

Wishing each other luck

Ending a busy week

People return to their lives and routine

Every night these last few days

 I grab my last energy from the day

To write you a few words

With you I don’t have small talks

With you I don’t need to talk

You know all the people I know

Every night I tell you stories

Of our pasts

In half a word

In half a smile

In no expression

You understand me

My desires for you

Days in crowds

Nights with you

Keep me true

This ray of sun

This last image of Chicago

Captured in the color of our friendship

Wishing you were here to see

This ray of sun

Glitteringly bright

I grab it just for you