My own movie

“No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That’s all.” (Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman – Haruki Murakami)

Sunday morning

A film festival ends today in my city

Slowly awakening

From some hectic days

Movies, dreams, fiction, reality

Passion, love, images, music

“Savages, Broken, The Words, Songs of Silence”

New movies, old movies

I emerge slowly

From my own movie

Passion, love, music, pain

A “déjà-vu”

My head hurts

My rational thoughts caress my heart

The city is still calm

And so am I

My own movie in black and white

Blending into the grey sky

Resonating the old pain all over again

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A tsunami dream

“I was always hungry for love. Just once, I wanted to know what it was like to get my fill of it — to be fed so much love I couldn’t take any more. Just once. ” (Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami)

This morning I woke up before you.

I had a bad dream. A tsunami one. In one second, everything was gone. The wave flowing towards me with an amazing strength and knowledge that it would sweep me away. I got out of bed and checked any article giving me a proper explanation to my dream. According to Carl Jung, a tsunami dream is one of those very meaningful “archetypal” dreams carrying meaningful symbols which are universal across all cultures. A tsunami is supposed to be a symbol of some great spiritual changes, the washing away of the old and the beginnings of new growth. In the dream, I did not run away. I stayed there, waiting for the wave to swallow me. It might be my way of dealing with whatever emotions they represent.

I prepared another coffee. Waiting for you to wake up. Ready to see you leave. Ready to whatever emotions I will have to deal with. I was ready to face them all. Ready to take you to the train station. I could laugh. I could cry. I could look into your eyes. For hours. Whatever happened already happened. Thinking of it would not change anything or make anything better. You always said that. You seemed ready too. And happy. Satisfied more than happy. You were probably used to these situations. Meeting new people. Saying hello. Saying goodbye. Letting go. I certainly have learned a lot from you these last days.

Our goodbyes were normal, controlled. Letting you go was not easy and easy at the same time. No possibilities. No chances. No future. No past. I became your disciple. Trying to follow the master to the land of no emotions.

I was ready to whatever emotions I could feel today. Because I killed them one by one.

I did not exist anymore. I became nothing. That was the change. Was it spiritual as Jung mentioned? I felt nothing. The emptiness was immense around me and I had no way to measure it. I did not want to either.

A tsunami had indeed swept me away. In no sorrows. In no sadness. I had let you go. What was left was water, only water. Not even tears.

And you bring back the love

Silent night

No sound but the sounds

Of rays of love

You seem so close

You are not here

My love goes on and on

Looking for you

Catching you

It still wants to talk to you

To share with you

Its stories and secrets

My love goes on and on

Knocking at your door

It still wants you

So far away

Will you come one day?

Bringing along my love with you

With all the tales you had heard

One silent night

Giving back to me

All these rays of love

You had once received and cherished

But hesitated all the way long to keep.

I just want to feel

Yesterday late at night I discovered Eckhart Tolle in an interview about love. “Love is an ego strategy to avoid surrender. You are looking to someone to give you that which can only come to you in the state of surrender. …The Spanish language is the most honest in this respect. It uses the same verb “Te quiero”,  for “I love you” and “I want you”. To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or for your partner to change”. 

Then I remember the famous quote of Jenny Holzer “Protect me from what I want”.

So far I can agree with E. Tolle.

When I love, I don’t want to possess. I don’t want to change the other person. I don’t want him to complete me. I am me and he is him. I look at him. He is great. And that’s it. Only the present moment. The love, him and me. Not more complicated than that. My love is not blind. It lasts when it has to last. When it has to last, I let myself go, I let him go. I don’t want to protect myself. I do get attached because it is a wonderful feeling. I set myself free to love. I don’t think when it happens, when it hits me. I rarely love. So when it happens it is a beautiful state of mind. I am not scared. I am a bit scared before it happens. But then I surrender. Because it is great. Until it hurts or not. But pain also comes and goes. It is like an “all-inclusive” package with love. Luckily it comes but also disappears at some point. Sometimes it stays longer, sometimes it disappears quickly.

When I love, I just feel it. I walk with it. I live love when I feel love. And I accept it.

The interview of E. Tolle gets complicated at the end and needs some more reflections for me to fully agree with him. I will get there with more time.

The only thing matters to me is TO FEEL.

I just don’t want to live like a robot.

I get attached.

I love.

I feel.

You arrive soon

As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.” (Dance, dance, dance – Haruki Murakami)

There are two things I do in the morning: reading my horoscope and checking the weather forecast for the whole week.

I believe neither in horoscope nor in the weather forecast. It is just a ritual, giving rhythm to how I start my day. Horoscope is always wrong and most of the time the weather forecast too.

This morning I surprised myself not doing this.

You arrive soon. I don’t care if it will be shining or raining. I will feel warm when you are here. I know you like the sunshine and you don’t mind the rain. I don’t mind the rain either because you will be there. My head is in the clouds. The colors of which could be white or grey, I don’t mind because you will be there.

I don’t need to check my horoscope and the weather forecast for the coming week. When you leave, no matter how shiny the sun would be, I would feel grey. When you leave, horoscope would be wrong anyway. Horoscope never predicts bad things so that people who read and believe it can live with hopes. My horoscope for the coming week could stay unchanged and I could write it myself: “You might be heartbroken but you will be fine.” Or something like that.

I read horoscope and check the weather forecast everyday but the future has no importance for me. Only the present matters.

You arrive soon. I truly love these three words: “You arrive soon”. That, however, is future, the one I care for. At this very present moment.

My dreams, your songs

I want to write down my dreams – all of them about you – while I am awake and while I am asleep.

I want to listen to your songs when you are here and while you are absent.

My dreams are sweet – the sweetest – because you wish me so every night before I close my eyes.

Your songs are bewitching because they escort me to my dreams.

And you

You are my addiction.

Being my dreams and songs all together.

I want my dreams to continue and my songs to never stop.

And my addiction would never cure.