Now we are four when we are together

Where is the line between love and friendship for two people of opposite sexe?

A very thin line. Or none I think.

Love and friendship have many facets with multiple shades and colors. Feelings in-betweens interweaved. Difficult to draw a sharp line and distinguish which is which sometimes. Love for a lover is strong, love for a friend could also be. Maybe it’s the expectation which makes the difference. We expect less from a friend to love us back with the same ardor. Maybe.

I am writing about this because I truly don’t know if I am not a little bit in love with my dearest friend. It’s a kind of feeling so close to love which makes me think that it should be love somehow. Even more than love. There is an immense affection and tenderness when I think of him. But the difference is I never try to oppress these feelings. I am proud to feel them. And I have never felt frustrated. While with a lover, I am more scared, I withhold the love feeling, I try to escape. Things are less spontaneous, more calculated. I hate being overwhelmed by my love. But with a close friend, when you really love him, the sentiment seems to set you free. A friend is more indulgent to your affection, I think and it eases things. And maybe and I said “maybe”, you don’t miss a friend as much as a lover/boyfriend. You don’t long for your closest friend. You are not obsessed about him.

Last week was a difficult week. Getting up was an effort. Then I realized that I just needed some doses of him to feel better. His presence, his witty spirit and friendship should be a remedy for my sadness. He is officially my only joy at this moment and the only one who could boost me up. So yesterday morning I asked him to see me.

He came by the same evening. He did not ring but used the spare keys I had given him.  I already liked this feeling. He opened the door, said hi. I was in the living room, reading a newspaper. Nice opening scene.

As usual he started to play piano. Extracts of the piano concerto no. 20 of Mozart. He sang, imitating an opera singer and looked at me while playing. I was a bit speechless. I have seen him playing piano and singing a lot of times at my place, still each time when it happens, I am always a bit dizzy with happiness. He plays not only well, he plays with his soul even if it was just for a few minutes. My heart was musical and my heartbeat tried not to skip any notes. This moment was already the very beginning of what I define as love. I could be wrong. But I worship this wonderful feeling. Right there friendship and love are mixed, together with the piano sound.

He said that he did not appreciate HIS character in my blog. Because the guy in my imagination is much better and nicer than him. This “romanticized” character is so idealized that he is afraid to not being able to measure up to his idyllic image, the one I deliberately invented. He said he did not want to disappoint me, and the way I embellished him showed him that definitely I was not enough satisfied with him in real life (damn cute!). And that it can be annoying a so perfect character. He said that it would not help me either having made up this kind of hero because I would have a hard time to find a real man in life. “HE” in the blog would not pop out of it to be with me for real (cute again! who cares anyway, in real life, I have him…).

I let him talk. I think he is much better than his fictional clone because he is REAL. I know that I did not beautify or aggrandize him. He is just like that. Brainy, scintillating. But I did not want to explain everything to him. I just told him: “Hey, leave him alone, leave YOUR character alone, he is perfect. I forbid you to criticize him.”

He said now it is all crowded when we are together, with so many ideas and thoughts and because we were four in the room. He and his ideas on his character in the blog. He and his ideas about himself in real life (he repeated a lot of times that he did not like the way he is. He did not like being different already at the age of 14), me and his character, and then me and my ideas about him. It was always a great moment to see him talking like that. Did I once tell you that he is complicated ???

When he left, I thought: “Love or friendship ?”  Both for sure. Definitely love, the purest kind, the innocent one. But with moments of desires if I want to be honest. I think somehow I would succumb this physical limit and desires if he once tried to push me in that direction. I would not be able to say no. It could be so confused sometimes. I miss him. I do not long for him. I am not thinking of him all the times. Sometimes I think of him with sexual phantasms. Most of the times, it is just platonic. But what is important is that whatever I do or think, I can always share with him. And he is never scared of me and my nuts feelings.

He seems so perfect, right ? But he is not, his unique biggest and unforgivable flaw: he is 21.(sigh!)

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2 thoughts on “Now we are four when we are together

  1. Sometimes, I get thinking about it too; when you’re in a relationship with someone, maybe you don’t feel the need to give it a name, per se. But somewhere in the back of your head, you wonder which one it really is. The million sentiments that spill through between love and friendship do not help either.
    I find myself in that situation. Sigh.
    A thought-provoking post 🙂

  2. Pingback: The Eunuch Lover « Women in Contemporary Relationships

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